New Bill Equalizes Oppression, Women Rejoice
Women across the country are ecstatic that the U.S. government has addressed sexism on a national level through the Senate’s passage of the National Defense Authorization Act, which requires females to register for the draft. Though not yet passed by the House of Representatives nor the President, this breakthrough legislation would, along with many other provisions, grant women the honor of involuntarily being sent to some remote location in the Middle East to die for a country that does not treat them as equal citizens.
Women’s groups everywhere are celebrating this great step forward for American females. Terry O’Neill, President of the National Organization for Women (NOW), expressed enthusiasm for the new bill. “The federal government is finally doing its part to eradicate women’s inequality,” she said in a press conference. “I’m really glad that, instead of addressing equal pay for equal work, or a woman’s right to make choices about her own reproductive health, or appropriate punishments for sexual assault offenders on college campuses, the United States is planning to spend $600 billion on this most worthy of causes.”
Even members of the male community support the bill. Adam Gignet, a representative from the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, believes the act will successfully equalize oppression. He told reporters, “Now all citizens, no matter their gender, can get forcefully pulled away from their families and experience PTSD, double amputations, or death by landmines in a war that they do not fully understand nor support.”
Young women are really excited to serve their country. Hailey Brims, a Nuclear Engineering major at MIT, said that she’s “stoked” about dropping all of her studies and going off to war. “Everyone always told me that I was too pretty to be a scientist,” Brims told reporters. “But now I can be a soldier, a sexy soldier. I can go batshit with an AK-47 on some civilians in Syria, and that’s way more fun than discovering a sustainable energy source.”
Peggy Nelson, a Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies major at Duke University, also had a positive reaction to the Senate’s decision. She told reporters, “Females are objectified in this country. People only care about our bodies. But it’s so refreshing to know that my government values me, not as a sexualized body, but as a disposable body.”
At this point in the interview, Peggy wiped a single tear from her left eye. “I’m sorry,” she said when she regained composure. “I am just so happy to be a young woman in America.”
