It’s Lit: Area Retirement Home to Screen All-Night Marathon of M*A*S*H

ROLLING HILLS, WA- Wheels are usually rolling at the Greener Pastures Retirement Center, but an announcement posted yesterday in the lobby’s bulletin board has residents rolling up in style. Raising the bar in elderly care, the management of Greener Pastures has announced a late-night screening of the now-irrelevant TV series “M*A*S*H” to take place this Saturday, during the goddamn witching hours of 5:00 to 8:00 pm. Sources report several residents throwing their pudding cups into the air as the nurses read aloud the bulletin for the more hard-of-hearing patients.

“We’ve always strived to give our residents the best possible entertainment to accommodate their new, laxer lifestyle,” assistant nurse Cindy Bruxford told reporters, “and we’re absolutely thrilled with how our residents are responding. I hear Old Man Abernathy is sporting some fresh new Timbs just for the screening!” A heartwarming development indeed.

“I…am quite thrilled,”gasped senior resident Flandrew McJankerson through a tube forcibly stuck down his throat to assist with digestion, “…and it warms my heart to see Hawkeye and the gang on the telecast again,” he added with a toothless smile. “And the colored one too, yes, I’m even excited for him to show up.” In what could only be described as a display of unequivocal joy, McJankerson flashed the peace sign while murmuring “Bloods for life,” as his personal aide injected him with a sweet, sweet dose of anesthesia.

For this reporter, it’s truly wonderful to see such rare flashes of joy in the cataract-ridden eyes of our insightful, experienced, and 100% Aryan elders.