Candy Shortage Incites Riots in Selinsgrove
NOV 2 - What started out as a typical night of innocent Halloween fun devolved into madness and chaos late Saturday evening as young trick-or-treaters ran rampant through downtown Selinsgrove, PA.
After an unexpected rush of children, house after house in the quiet Pennsylvania township ran out of candy. Once they learned that they could no longer obtain their sugar fix from these homes, small children as young as seven and as old as twelve began rioting and looting businesses and private residences.
One local homeowner told The Squirrel, "At first nothing seemed wrong. They were just excited kids on Halloween, you know how it is, but there were so many of them and pretty soon I had to tell them all that we had nothing left. The first few kids just walked away disappointed, but then they came back, again and again. They didn't believe me when I said that were out and grew violent, cursing at me, and even spitting. I could see it in their eyes. They were on the sugar."
"Sugar binges are more common than you would think, on Halloween especially," Pennsylvania State Trooper Rick O'Hara told The Squirrel in an interview. "Normally, though, the children don't eat most of their candy until they are safely back in their homes. The resulting property damage is then the parents' problem, but this year was different. Kids these days are impatient, they start eating their candy right away, and once they get going they can't stop.
Reports began with vague threats and sporadic eggings, but polics were soon receiving calls about death threats, bricks thrown through windows, kitchen raids, and leaf piles on the side of the road set on fire. When they were finished terrorizing the residential neighborhoods, the mob moved downtown, pillaging convenience stores along the way and starting several more fires.
The town's six police officers were quickly overpowered, and riot police were requested from the surrounding area.
"We brought everything," said Sunbury Police Officer Trisha McMahon. "Everything: riot gear, tear gas, rubber bullets. When we got to the gas station they were trying to set it on fire. We told them they had to go home, or else they'd be in big trouble, but they just charged us. They kept chanting, 'Candy! Candy! Candy!' but we didn't have candy. They plowed right through us. We didn't have candy!"
After rioting for a total of forty-five minutes, the mob of trick-or-treaters crashed and returned sleepily to their homes, leaving behind a wake of destruction: thirteen damaged homes, eight fires, three destroyed convenience stores, and one police officer admitted to the hospital with severely hurt feelings.
"What can I say, kids will be kids," remarked one local resident as she swept broken glass from her porch.
