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Outsmart Your Professor: Don’t Write the Paper


Your professor told you exactly when your final exam is due. You were handed a syllabus outlining exactly what was expected of you. You didn’t read this information. The business-like format and bolded headings only serve to convince the reader that there is vital information hidden within the due dates, page numbers, and grade calculation rubric. Truly dedicated students simply throw this away, but in the recycling bin of course, we wouldn’t want to be irresponsible. However, if you happen to hear that your final paper is due next Tuesday, there are a few simple steps to handling the situation properly.

The most important step in writing any college paper is the preparation. Never underestimate the importance of stocking up on Doritos or popping a bag or two of popcorn. You will need to see what the experts have to say on the subject so I suggest queuing up some Jimmy Fallon. You might consider putting in a work order for that squeak in the door or better yet, fix it yourself. The paper won’t turn out right unless an hour is spent fixing that squeaking sound.

It’s now 10 pm and the paper is supposedly due at midnight. However, your dedication to education has ensured that the syllabus was long since recycled. Sit down with a cup of coffee and type as furiously as possible into a word document everything and anything that comes to mind related to Shakespeare, poetry, or whatever it was that this paper was about. You have long forgotten and no longer care. Good for you. Your only desire is to get the paper in on time to have it still count for a grade. It would be a shame if it was handed in late. All of your careful thought will have counted for nothing. With two minutes to midnight, delete the document.

There’s no need to contribute to the outdated education system that continues to ignore research based multiple intelligences, learning styles, and the injustice of intelligence profiling. Just grab those last eight hours of sleep, resting peacefully in the knowledge that your parents are in no way contributing to this broken system by overpaying and preparing you for a life crippling debt.

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