Onion stops publishing satire, claiming, “We’ve done more harm than good.”


In a statement released earlier this week, Cole Bolton, editor of The Onion, said the website was ceasing publication of satirical news stories, effective immediately, until such a time as, “we feel that people will stop taking our articles seriously.” While most writers at The Onion thought their thinly veiled satire would be obvious to anyone, they didn’t count on the fact that many Americans are, in Bolton’s words, “really, really stupid.”

One writer, Jocelyn Richard, says she can no longer sit by and watch as her writing enrages thousands of uneducated bigots. “We honestly didn’t think people would believe this shit,” she said in a press conference immediately following the release of the statement, “We didn’t think it counted as misinformation if we told people, in our site description, that we were lying to them, but I guess we just really misjudged our audience.”

“I started to worry about our ability to influence people around the time I nearly started a riot with a story about Obama admitting to lip syncing the State of the Union Address,” said writer Ben Berkley. “Just to see how far I could go, I wrote an article that was just the copy and pasted text of a recent UN study confirming the existence of manmade climate change. When conservatives believed that too, I knew we had too much power. I called up Bolton immediately and told him that we had to stop before things got out of hand.”

Bolton said it was a tough decision to end the twenty-five year satirical legacy of The Onion, but in the end decided it was the only way. “I didn’t realize the irreparable damage we were inadvertently causing to the nation, but after reading through comment after comment praising us for uncovering Obama’s secret heritage as a Swedish immigrant, or genuinely thanking us for revealing Hillary’s secret FBI raids on the homes of Bill’s mistresses, I started to realize that we were working against America’s best interests.” When asked what the next step for the website would be Bolton said, “We’re exploring our options right now, but I think there’s a huge market to be cornered with Congressional fashion op-eds.”

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