top of page

College Liberals Shocked to Discover Conservatives on Campus


This past week, several Susquehanna students were left utterly dumbfounded upon realizing that many of their peers are actually conservatives. The news of Republican-minded ideology within their midst sent the liberal students into a frenzy of panic and disbelief. Officials have reported casualties between three and seven existential crises.

When the conservatives revealed their existence, a group of Math and Physics majors reportedly congregated in the lower level of the Degenstein Campus Center to determine the ages of the Republican students, hypothesizing that they were actually 55-year-olds in disguise.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” junior Ted Smith announced, paging through birth certificates and frantically pressing buttons on a calculator. “In every application of relativity and theoretical time travel, these students are still millennials. They should be supporting Sanders. How could they possibly be conservatives?”

When the studies continued to prove inconclusive, the mathematicians went mad, all of them rampaging through the make-shift laboratory, flinging documents into the air, and shouting, “Science is dead!” They then torched their data and equipment, which twice sounded the Degenstein Campus Center fire alarms.

Many students have expressed confusion regarding the presence of multiple ideologies at their liberal arts university, an educational system with a long history of encouraging robust conversation across party-lines and exposure to various social, cultural, and political perspectives.

“I just assumed that every single person here would share my exact same values and opinions,” Hillary Geart said. “But now I’m starting to wonder if some people actually think differently.”

The realization of the Republicans also sparked increased appointments at the counseling center.

One student, senior Donald Fenton, who admitted himself to the center told reporters, “All my life, I’ve been a Democrat because my parents were Democrats. But then these conservatives came in. I began having these urges to reevaluate my blindly-adopted ideologies and consider the opposite side. And that’s so messed up. I knew I needed professional help.”

At press time, Donald was seen crouched in the fetal position with both index fingers plugged in his ears and shouting, “Lalalalalalalala!” He continued to do so until his disposition appeared blissful.

Related Posts

See All

Have something to say?

Come write for us! 

Contact thesusquirrel@gmail.com for more information

Want to Draw Squirrels? And other stuff... occasionally.

Contact thesusquirrel@gmail.com for more information

squirrel.png
bottom of page