Which “vital resource” can cause your IT department to completely shut down? The answer may surpris
Late this past Wednesday afternoon, after many hundreds of phone calls and emails had gone unanswered, the Information Technology department at Fictum-Fecits University issued an official statement and apology to the school. It read:
The IT Department would like to apologize for today’s massive communication blackout, but until further notice we will be unable to complete any tech repairs for either the administration or the student body. The office is simply too understaffed and under-supplied after recent circumstances depleted a vital resource.
When pressed to tell what that “vital resource” was, the head of the department answered:
Cocaine.
Outraged to hear such news, the university president James Monroe immediately called his extensive contacts to see how long it would take to acquire more coke.
“We live in a modern age of technology that has become vital to the college education” comments Monroe, “The IT department is the life force that keeps that going, so we need to keep it going.”
Unfortunately, as of now, every single student staff member of the department has suffered severe crashing and a complete loss of energy and mental function. Several students have even been admitted to the health center for exhaustion. Most, however, are simply sleeping in their rooms, recovering from the fallout of the schools recent system update.
“Almost any college campus is largely fueled by stimulants, even if you don’t count caffeine,” says Jessica Inman, faculty head of IT. “Our department especially relies on what we call ‘intense performance motivators’ just to get through the hundreds of daily emails full of extremely vague references to any and every small issue some student’s laptop may or may not be experiencing. We experimented with several different kinds of amphetamines, but in the end, straight and pure Columbian Snow turned out to be the best option.”
For a short period of time, Stephen Cho, one of IT’s comatose staff members was coherent enough to sit down and tell his side of the story.
“It’s stressful,” says Cho, wrapped up in his bed’s comforter, “people expect you to know how to fix anything they say isn’t working, just by saying it isn’t working! Then you ask them when they last updated their software and all they do is blink at you! Try doing that six hundred times a day! “
We asked Director Inman why the school didn’t simply hire a few extra technicians to help deal with this large backlog of requests.
“We simply just do not have the budget for that sort of thing,” she answered, carefully counting a suitcase full of Benjamin’s before going to meet with “her guy”.
