SU to Exclusively Hire Rapists As Tour Guides


Admins Attempt Rare Active Response to Student Concerns

As part of a university-wide initiative in response to student’s critiques of the administration’s approach to addressing pending allegations against select student employees, Susquehanna University’s admissions office has announced a decision to tackle complaints head on by exclusively hiring tour guides from the rich pool of accused and proven sexual offenders on campus.

“Many students have voiced concerns that our offices willingly turn a blind eye to the personal, possibly criminal, actions of those we choose to represent our community to potential students. We realize this and have decided to actively seek out students involved in sexual misconduct to act as our tour guides,” explained admissions director Robbie Randalson.

“Not only will this actively prove how conscious we are about the employment process, but I think these students are uniquely enabled to represent the true Susquehanna experience more accurately than our office has ever done before.”

Susquehanna University has long been lauded for the rate as which its rapists are involved on the campus, and the admissions office believes that the new policy is less a major change to the community culture and more reflective of the environment which the school naturally cultivates and supports.

The student body has responded to this policy change with mixed emotions. “I guess, technically, I can’t really say that they’re not addressing the issue anymore,” conceded one extraordinarily defeated looking young woman as a team of university lawyers nodded on approvingly in the background.

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