Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
Selinsgrove, PA - In excitement for the upcoming holidays, the town of
Selinsgrove is going all out with decor - but not in the way that you might think.
October, a season once synonymous with witches cackling, bones rattling, and satanic
worship, has now been dedicated to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - a full two months
earlier than usual. Now, garlands, crosses, and even Christmas trees have been erected
all over town. These types of erections have never been seen before this early in the year,
and there have been mixed reactions from town occupants thus far.
“It’s blasphemous, I tell you,” said Howie Weenie, a resident of the town. “They
are defiling the sacred ceremonies of Halloween! The spooks! The scares! The weirdos
that give all their edibles away to random children! All of that has been completely
ignored. Christmas is no more special than Halloween, and it should not be treated like
it is. All this ruckus because some big fat creep breaks into your house to leave you his
special little toys is such a biiiiiiiiiig deal. I honestly think that glorifying such behavior
is the root of all of our society’s problems.”
Another resident, Virginia Mary, disagreed with Howie, saying, “Honestly, I don’t
really see the problem with this. If it were up to me, I would keep my Christmas
decorations up all year round. There is nothing wrong with celebrating Jesus’s birthday
a little earlier than usual, right? After all, my Christmas spirit burns in my loins all year
‘round, so passionately and fiery that it kinda hurts a little bit to be honest.”
With so much conflict surrounding the holiday, there is no wonder why people
decide to go to war.
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