Susquehanna University's satirical news source
October 31, 2019
Matthew Bamman The Fifteenth
Tension has been at an all-time high on campus after Junior Morpus Florpus was caught
plagiarizing on his midterm paper last week. To ease the student body and mind, it was just
announced by President Green that he will be seeking the death penalty for the Junior.
In a press conference President Green said: “Honestly I’m shocked that this would
happen. In all my 3 years here I’ve never had something like this happen before,” he would go
onto say. “I plan on prosecuting Morpus to the fullest extent of the law. What he has done is not
only a crime to our campus, but to all universities everywhere.”
President Green ended the conference after receiving a call from The Financial Aid
Office giving him the go ahead to allow him to use tuition money to bribe the judge presiding
over the case.
Speculation about the case has been all the rage all over campus. “I heard Morpus
supposedly submitted a bound book from the library as his midterm,” concerned student Jason
Jayson Jasyn had to say. “I know I’ve done the same once or twice in a few classes I didn’t really
like. This sort of thing could have happened to me, it could have been anyone!”
“I had to visit President Green the other day for a report,” said Ritz Fitz, another
concerned student. “Before I entered his office, I could hear him cackling—fantasizing—about
what he wanted to do with Morpus. I could hear him kicking back his shades saying ‘Justice
lives, and his name is Jon Green. I am the law.’ I mean this is real scary stuff. I wouldn’t want to
be Morpus right now.”
Morpus Florpus’s trial date is set for this Thursday.
The execution date is set for October Twenty-fifth and Morpus will be put down by
President Green behind the shed.
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