THE SQUIRREL
Susquehanna University's satirical news source
Living Contributors
"It's Alive!!!"
Here lies the list of current contributors to The Squirrel. Some of these people write, some of them get us money, and some of them update this godforsaken website.
All are fucking hilarious.
Editor In Chief
Lorelei Jacobson
Chronically cold
Assistant Editor in Chief & Head Copy Editor
Ashton Hall
Loose in the petting zoo
(it's not a petting zoo. get her out of the tiger enclosure)
Head Design Editor
Mattie Lugar
Funniest motherfucker this side of Toon Town
Secretary
Alma Gimbel
Alma Gimbel is learning Rodentese in her free time from some local squirrels and hopes to incorporate many of their loan words into her overly pretentious prose
Treasurer
Shelby Faller
Textbook example of a female born after 1993. She be bisexual, can't cook, and definitely lie
Writer
Finn Sheridan
Has never lost a staring contest
Writer
Rubi Solano
allegedly two squirrels in a trenchcoat
Writer
Lily Warshaw
Unfortunately a theater adult
Writer
Rori Kennedy
They think I'm being funny but I'm actually just serious
Writer
Ryann Holladay
[insert text here]
Writer
Sienna Forbes
Roll enthusiast in every way
Deceased Contributors
Gone but not forgotten. Until everyone who knew you graduates at least...
In no particular order, here rest the bios of previous contributors to The Squirrel. Some we love. Some irritated the editor of this website. Yet all are present.
So suck on that.
Haley Seitz
Miss Teen Squirrel, 1996
Olive Lambert
Sometimes funny, mostly sad, always gay
Keith Sanders
I'm sorry, women
Tanner Olds
Friend, daughter, hater
Brooke Nelson
Gets personally offended when her dog sighs
Emily Rose
Emily is getting better at being mean and still wants to pet a deer
Abigail Lentini
Totally not someone who has taken their entire personality from stan twitter…
Fae Rhodes
Reliving the good old days is my favorite pastime
Becky Wood
You might not think she’s funny, but she sure does!
Amber Watkin
Future ghost (goal achieved).
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Malaika Olaoye
She is smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.
Sophia Congdon
Sophia loves shirking rules she finds silly, constructing needlessly elaborate plans, and this publication. You WILL uphold her legacy or she will haunt Fisher Hall.
Julie Heaney
Julie gets sunburnt from thinking about vitamin D and is a little afraid of birds, but she's excited to be here.
Bella Potenza
Taller than everyone else in the room, but her eye sight is so bad she just looks like a helpless little giraffe.
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Kenzie Piacenti
Gay as f***
Daniel Sellers
I identify sexually as a failure.
Matthew Bamman
Likes: Movies, music, and my dead dog.
Dislikes: Math, poetry, and giant multimedia corporations controlling our every waking moment. Catch me vibing! Looking for long-term relationships only!
(he/him/they)
Zach Slusser
We don't actually remember how he got here, all we know is that someone left him on our doorstep in 2018 swaddled up like Harry Potter at the beginning of that one movie. We've just kinda rolled with him since then.
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Matthew Murry
Matt just needed an excuse to get out of his room. Now he's here.
Isabel Camaratta
She wrote one serious satire articles once and now she's here.
Lily Dura
Retired sailor.
Anthony Wojciechowsky
Look Anthony I didn't use the picture of you from Shrek the Musical. Please keep writing for us. Does not attend family gatherings.
Brady Achterberg
I still can't believe we didn't lose you in NYC. I thought your name was Grady. We value you.
Justin Yavorski
Justin writes a lot of articles and I think it was his article that an Onion writer said, "That's fucking great" about but it also might not have been.
Jenna Danyew
Jenna is the Former Slightly Less Supreme Leader and Anti-Social Media Guru and she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she chose the photos too. Don't have her guys.
Jillian Mannarino
Our Former Supreme Leader. Our Voice of Reason. Our Goddess among men. She writes sometime.
Jennifer Sauerman
Jay is hands-down way too cool for us but she sticks around anyway. Thank you for that, it really means a lot
Caroline Miller
Caroline is the Former Holier-than-though Scribe. Will we still love her when she's no longer young and beautiful? No.
Honor Ford
I thought that "life could be a dream, sha-boom" song was "life could be sweet" and it would have been a cute caption.
Matt Stulberg
The Archon of the (no longer) Hypothetical Strongbox is a person. He also might be the Former Executioner. We're not really sure but he does stuff for sure.
Danielle Bettendorf
Danielle held a tea party at McDonalds one time. That's why we need her. Such a visionary.
The editor of this website would like to personally apologize for how this photo cropped.
Alan Codner
Alan is our Former Pen Wizard. We doodles, sketches, cartoons, and writes too! What a guy!
Longo
Pen names are pretty rad. We love having Longo write for us. They're going to let him be a teacher one day. #concerned
Adam Unger
He doesn't like Mexican food so the jury is still out on this one.
Joseph Maltese
Joey, did you graduate? Thanks for letting some at-the-time freshman publish your work.
Amber Martino
Pain and suffering and anguish and Fanta.
