Living Contributors



Zach Slusser

We don't actually remember how he got here, all we know is that someone left him on our doorstep in 2018 swaddled up like Harry Potter at the beginning of that one movie. We've just kinda rolled with him since then.

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Sophia Congdon

Sophia is a news lady, oh yes she is. Just get a load of that blazer, so professional. A black and white photo? Who does she think she is?


Writer/Design Editor

Malaika Olaoye

She is smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.

Writer/Social Media Manager

Julie Heaney

Julie gets sunburnt from thinking about vitamin D and is a little afraid of birds, but she's excited to be here.


Zachary Shiffman

He writes fiction and lives in New Jersey. Enough said.

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Associate Editor-in-Chief

Matthew Bamman

Likes: Movies, music, and my dead dog

Dislikes: Math, poetry, and giant multimedia corporations controlling our every waking moment

Catch me vibing! Looking for long term relationships only!




Olivia Chartreau

Her favorite activities are taking Prozac, needing melatonin to sleep, and getting ✨creative✨ also she’s treasurer?



Daniel Sellers

I sexually identify as a failure.

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Matthew Murry

Matt just needed an excuse to get out of his room. Now he's here.


Isabel Camaratta

She wrote one serious satire articles once and now she's here.

Deceased Contributors


Anthony Wojciechowsky

Look Anthony I didn't use the picture of you from Shrek the Musical. Please keep writing for us. Does not attend family gatherings.


Justin Yavorski

Justin writes a lot of  articles and I think it was his article that an Onion writer said, "That's fucking great" about but it also might not have been.

Jennifer Sauerman

Jay is hands-down way too cool for us but she sticks around anyway. Thank you for that, it really means a lot

Honor Ford

I thought that "life could be a dream, sha-boom" song was "life could be sweet" and it would have been a cute caption.

Danielle Bettendorf

Danielle held a tea party at McDonalds one time. That's why we need her. Such a visionary. 


Pen names are pretty rad. We love having Longo write for us. They're going to let him be a teacher one day. #concerned

Joseph Maltese

Joey, did you graduate? Thanks for letting some at-the-time freshman publish your work.


Brady Achterberg

I still can't believe we didn't lose you in NYC. I thought your name was Grady. We value you.

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Jenna Danyew

Jenna is the Former Slightly Less Supreme Leader and Anti-Social Media Guru and she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she chose the photos too. Don't have her guys.


Jillian Mannarino

Our Former Supreme Leader. Our Voice of Reason. Our Goddess among men. She writes sometime.

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Caroline Miller

Caroline is the Former Holier-than-though Scribe. Will we still love her when she's no longer young and beautiful? No.

Matt Stulberg

The Archon of the (no longer) Hypothetical Strongbox is a person. He also might be the Former Executioner. We're not really sure but he does stuff for sure. 

Alan Codner

Alan is our Former Pen Wizard. We doodles, sketches, cartoons, and writes too! What a guy!


Adam Unger

He doesn't like Mexican food so the jury is still out on this one.


The articles and comics on this website are satirical and are intended as humorous commentary. Articles and artwork belong to their respective authors.

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