Contributors | thesquirrel

Living Contributors

"It's Alive!!!"

Here lies the list of current contributors to The Squirrel. Some of these people write, some of them get us money, and some of them update this godforsaken website. All are fucking hilarious.

Editor In Chief

Amber Watkin

Future ghost.

Assistant Editor In Chief & Co-Web Designer

Becky Wood

You might not think she's funny, but she sure does.

Treasurer

Keith Sanders

"MOM GET THE CAMERA!!!"

Head Design Editor

Brooke Nelson

Gets personally offended when her dog sighs

Secretary & Co-Web Designer

Haily Seitz

"I LOVE BRIDGES!!!"

Writer

Abigail Lentini

Totally not someone who has taken their whole personality from stan twitter…

Writer

Emily Rose

Emily has a hard time giving insults but she's working on it. One of her life goals is to pet a deer.

Writer

Haley Dittbrenner

Nepotism Baby

Writer

George Shearer

"George"

Writer

Olive Lambert

Sometimes funny, mostly sad, always gay

Deceased Contributors

Gone but not forgotten. Until everyone who knew you graduates at least...

In no particular order, here rest the bios of previous contributors to The Squirrel. Some we love. Some irritated the editor of this website. Yet all are present. So suck on that.

Sophia Congdon

Sophia loves shirking rules she finds silly, constructing needlessly elaborate plans, and this publication. You WILL uphold her legacy or she will haunt Fisher Hall.

Liv Chartreau

Their favorite activities are taking Prozac, needing melatonin to sleep, and getting ✨creative✨ also she’s treasurer?

Julie Heaney

Julie gets sunburnt from thinking about vitamin D and is a little afraid of birds, but she's excited to be here.

Malaika Olaoye

She is smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.

Bella Potenza

Taller than everyone else in the room, but her eye sight is so bad she just looks like a helpless little giraffe.

Kenzie Piacenti

Gay as f***

Daniel Sellers

I identify sexually as a failure.

Matthew Bamman

Likes: Movies, music, and my dead dog.

Dislikes: Math, poetry, and giant multimedia corporations controlling our every waking moment. Catch me vibing! Looking for long-term relationships only!

(he/him/they)

Zach Slusser

We don't actually remember how he got here, all we know is that someone left him on our doorstep in 2018 swaddled up like Harry Potter at the beginning of that one movie. We've just kinda rolled with him since then.

Matthew Murry

Matt just needed an excuse to get out of his room. Now he's here.

Isabel Camaratta

She wrote one serious satire articles once and now she's here.

Lily Dura

Retired sailor.

Zachary Shiffman

He writes fiction and lives in New Jersey. Enough said.

Anthony Wojciechowsky

Look Anthony I didn't use the picture of you from Shrek the Musical. Please keep writing for us. Does not attend family gatherings.

Brady Achterberg

I still can't believe we didn't lose you in NYC. I thought your name was Grady. We value you.

Justin Yavorski

Justin writes a lot of articles and I think it was his article that an Onion writer said, "That's fucking great" about but it also might not have been.

Jenna Danyew

Jenna is the Former Slightly Less Supreme Leader and Anti-Social Media Guru and she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she chose the photos too. Don't have her guys.

Jillian Mannarino

Our Former Supreme Leader. Our Voice of Reason. Our Goddess among men. She writes sometime.

Jennifer Sauerman

Jay is hands-down way too cool for us but she sticks around anyway. Thank you for that, it really means a lot

Caroline Miller

Caroline is the Former Holier-than-though Scribe. Will we still love her when she's no longer young and beautiful? No.

Honor Ford

I thought that "life could be a dream, sha-boom" song was "life could be sweet" and it would have been a cute caption.

Matt Stulberg

The Archon of the (no longer) Hypothetical Strongbox is a person. He also might be the Former Executioner. We're not really sure but he does stuff for sure.

Danielle Bettendorf

Danielle held a tea party at McDonalds one time. That's why we need her. Such a visionary.

The editor of this website would like to personally apologize for how this photo cropped.

Alan Codner

Alan is our Former Pen Wizard. We doodles, sketches, cartoons, and writes too! What a guy!

Longo

Pen names are pretty rad. We love having Longo write for us. They're going to let him be a teacher one day. #concerned

Adam Unger

He doesn't like Mexican food so the jury is still out on this one.

Joseph Maltese

Joey, did you graduate? Thanks for letting some at-the-time freshman publish your work.

Amber Martino

Pain and suffering and anguish and Fanta.