THE SQUIRREL
Susquehanna University's satirical news source
Living Contributors
"It's Alive!!!"
Here lies the list of current contributors to The Squirrel. Some of these people write, some of them get us money, and some of them update this godforsaken website.
All are fucking hilarious.
Editor In Chief
Becky Wood
You might not think she's funny, but she sure does.
Assistant Editor in Chief
Haley Seitz
A pleasure to have in class
Head Design Editor
Brooke Nelson
Gets personally offended when her dog sighs
Treasurer
Keith Sanders
"MOM GET THE CAMERA!!!"
Head Copyeditor
Olive Lambert
Sometimes funny, mostly sad, always gay
Secretary
Tanner Olds
Daughter, friend, hater
Writer
Abigail Lentini
Totally not someone who has taken their whole personality from stan twitter…
Writer
Emily Rose
Emily is getting better at being mean and still wants to pet a deer
Writer
Hal Dittbrenner
Nepotism Baby
Writer
Mattie Lugar
skipped to being geriatric at the ripe old age of 15
Writer
Lorelei Jacobson
chronically cold
Writer
Ashton Hall
She absolutely refuses to accept that petting a leopard is a bad idea. Y’all are just haters
Deceased Contributors
Gone but not forgotten. Until everyone who knew you graduates at least...
In no particular order, here rest the bios of previous contributors to The Squirrel. Some we love. Some irritated the editor of this website. Yet all are present.
So suck on that.
Amber Watkin
Future ghost (goal achieved).
Sophia Congdon
Sophia loves shirking rules she finds silly, constructing needlessly elaborate plans, and this publication. You WILL uphold her legacy or she will haunt Fisher Hall.
Liv Chartreau
Their favorite activities are taking Prozac, needing melatonin to sleep, and getting ✨creative✨ also she’s treasurer?
Julie Heaney
Julie gets sunburnt from thinking about vitamin D and is a little afraid of birds, but she's excited to be here.
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Malaika Olaoye
She is smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.
Bella Potenza
Taller than everyone else in the room, but her eye sight is so bad she just looks like a helpless little giraffe.
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Kenzie Piacenti
Gay as f***
Daniel Sellers
I identify sexually as a failure.
Matthew Bamman
Likes: Movies, music, and my dead dog.
Dislikes: Math, poetry, and giant multimedia corporations controlling our every waking moment. Catch me vibing! Looking for long-term relationships only!
(he/him/they)
Zach Slusser
We don't actually remember how he got here, all we know is that someone left him on our doorstep in 2018 swaddled up like Harry Potter at the beginning of that one movie. We've just kinda rolled with him since then.
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Matthew Murry
Matt just needed an excuse to get out of his room. Now he's here.
Isabel Camaratta
She wrote one serious satire articles once and now she's here.
Lily Dura
Retired sailor.
Zachary Shiffman
He writes fiction and lives in New Jersey. Enough said.
Anthony Wojciechowsky
Look Anthony I didn't use the picture of you from Shrek the Musical. Please keep writing for us. Does not attend family gatherings.
Brady Achterberg
I still can't believe we didn't lose you in NYC. I thought your name was Grady. We value you.
Justin Yavorski
Justin writes a lot of articles and I think it was his article that an Onion writer said, "That's fucking great" about but it also might not have been.
Jenna Danyew
Jenna is the Former Slightly Less Supreme Leader and Anti-Social Media Guru and she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she wrote all of these bios. Yes, she chose the photos too. Don't have her guys.
Jillian Mannarino
Our Former Supreme Leader. Our Voice of Reason. Our Goddess among men. She writes sometime.
Jennifer Sauerman
Jay is hands-down way too cool for us but she sticks around anyway. Thank you for that, it really means a lot
Caroline Miller
Caroline is the Former Holier-than-though Scribe. Will we still love her when she's no longer young and beautiful? No.
Honor Ford
I thought that "life could be a dream, sha-boom" song was "life could be sweet" and it would have been a cute caption.
Matt Stulberg
The Archon of the (no longer) Hypothetical Strongbox is a person. He also might be the Former Executioner. We're not really sure but he does stuff for sure.
Danielle Bettendorf
Danielle held a tea party at McDonalds one time. That's why we need her. Such a visionary.
The editor of this website would like to personally apologize for how this photo cropped.
Alan Codner
Alan is our Former Pen Wizard. We doodles, sketches, cartoons, and writes too! What a guy!
Longo
Pen names are pretty rad. We love having Longo write for us. They're going to let him be a teacher one day. #concerned
Adam Unger
He doesn't like Mexican food so the jury is still out on this one.
Joseph Maltese
Joey, did you graduate? Thanks for letting some at-the-time freshman publish your work.
Amber Martino
Pain and suffering and anguish and Fanta.
