THE SQUIRREL

Slowly but surely, spring is returning. Get your nasal spray...

What's up homies, it's your boy...

Dear Reader...

Squirrels are one of North America’s most abundant creatures. Across the continent, they can be found scaling trees, skittering across fields, and begging to be hit by cars in suburban neighborhoods. Almost everyone on the East Coast has seen a squirrel, and nowhere are they more prevalent than… Susquehanna University. Our researchers are unsure what makes this university campus so attractive to the squirrel. One of the most accepted theories posited today is what its suppo

Listen up penis havers. I’m tired. Every fucking time I go out, some guy (nongendered) really wants to shove their dick in my face claiming its the biggest shlong I’ll ever see. And you know what, I’m a curious type, so I let them at least give me a little show and tell. Not to touch, nonono absolutely not, just to look at. So we go to their musky ass frat room. They unzip and unsheath a richard so small most people would end up calling it ricky. And then I walk away. So I’ve

It's been a minute since the Squirrel...

Interviewer: Our Squirrel reporters scored an interview with THE Lin-Manuel Miranda by pretending to be Disney and lying about a job opportunity. Let’s get right into it. You are known for being an award-winning American actor, producer, director, composer, lyricist, playwright, rapper, and librettist, as well as your roles in Hamilton and In The Heights , also your composed music featured in films like Moana , Encanto , and more. Please tell us, what is your go to coffee o

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.] Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession. To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if

Are you hosting a party, gathering, or event of some sort? Do you want someone else to pick all of the music? Do you want someone to wear headphones in the corner and nod the whole time? Allow me to introduce you to DJ $Q-$Q-$Q-QUIRREL MONAYYY, the newest of Central Pennsylvania’s four DJs! DJ $Q-$Q-$Q-QUIRREL MONAYYY lived on 2010s party music growing up. They knew from a very young age that they wanted to stand in a room with more people than physically possible half danci

We have an official Spotify account now! Check out all our zany playlists and make us a part of YOUR Wrapped this year! https://open.spotify.com/user/31b4graixkgxvcij52kswvguqlm4?si=0a399d5aa605464b The Official Staff Playlist! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2BJmsMGblZYwwGphQafLrw?si=GIdoNo47QC2uGebOT4Xr8w&pi=gJI2_2trRO6hs&nd=1&dlsi=c1b2aad863bb424f Squirrels Mentioned!!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4wsPZmki11RlMvf0FgVp1R?si=D0bigzFNQQeovIldA2Py_A&pi=cOIm1Z8FScebz&