THE SQUIRREL

SU’s theatre department has already presented the second musical of the year. It’s a wonder, seeing that the scripts were 600 pages long, and there were only two weeks of rehearsal, but here you have it: Ride the Squirrelclone is here! On a more serious note, the show is a tribute to SU’s less popular acapella group, Harmonic Consumption, who all tragically perished last year on the spring fair’s rickety ferris wheel. The plot of the musical begins with the members of HarmCon

To Whom It May Concern, I am writing today as a taxpaying citizen of Acorn Valley Township. As a taxpaying citizen to both the Township and to the larger Skwerelle County, I care to express my deep concern and dislike for the motion recently passed by the HOA allowing the Flips, Tricks, and Circular Dicks Carnival Inc. to set up on the Lewis E. Jenkin Field for Youth Athletics. The Youth Athletics Field is not far from my property, and is a favorite spot for myself and for

Are you an up-and-coming ringmaster? An established circus whose clowns are aging out of their prime time for performance? Looking to expand your clown troop without running into any ethical conundrums? Then you’re in the right place! Here is a comprehensive guide on the history and modern practices in clown husbandry, so you can fill up that big top with lots of little clownlings without People for the Ethical Treatment of Clowns (PETC) being up your ass. Circus clowns are

We’ve all heard the stories about the famous TRAX Ferris wheel which we keep on campus, but do you know the TRUTH about it? If you don’t, you don’t have to worry, I’m here to tell you. It may sound unbelievable, but the Ferris wheel, yes, our very own Ferris wheel, is haunted. If you don’t already know, our great Ferris wheel has a fascinating history. The first Ferris wheel made its debut in 1893, and our own made its own only a few decades later, in 1929. This Ferris whee

On the evening of October 3rd at 7:26 pm, a magician was arrested under the pseudonym The Amazing Magical Blythe, a name he got from a BuzzFeed quiz. The Amazing Magical Blythe had been hired to perform magic tricks in the park for a 10 year old’s birthday party and had excitedly shown up with many props. He started simple, calling a member up from the crowd and, in an attempt to draw the same card as them, he accidentally pulled and revealed the participant’s social securi

Slowly but surely, spring is returning. Get your nasal spray...

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Squirrels are one of North America’s most abundant creatures. Across the continent, they can be found scaling trees, skittering across fields, and begging to be hit by cars in suburban neighborhoods. Almost everyone on the East Coast has seen a squirrel, and nowhere are they more prevalent than… Susquehanna University. Our researchers are unsure what makes this university campus so attractive to the squirrel. One of the most accepted theories posited today is what its suppo

Listen up penis havers. I’m tired. Every fucking time I go out, some guy (nongendered) really wants to shove their dick in my face claiming its the biggest shlong I’ll ever see. And you know what, I’m a curious type, so I let them at least give me a little show and tell. Not to touch, nonono absolutely not, just to look at. So we go to their musky ass frat room. They unzip and unsheath a richard so small most people would end up calling it ricky. And then I walk away. So I’ve