THE SQUIRREL

This Halloween, a whimsical new show, RuPaul’s Clown Race arrives on Clown-toon Network. Twelve talented, terrifying, and questionably qualified clowns are juggling onto the scene to compete for the title of America's first clown superstar. The show will be hosted by our three jolly judges, RuPaul, Bianca Del Rio, and Art the Clown who will judge the competitors on the four main tenants of clowning. Those being Comedy, Uniqueness, Nonsense, and Tomfoolery. Every week the co

If you know anything about me, I recently have become extremely obsessed with tiny clowns to the point where they have overtaken my life. Drawings of tiny clowns, tiny clay clowns, just the vibe of teeny tiny little goobers and I’m sold. Clown anarchy has descended upon my friend group and as we now live in a honk or be honked kind of world, the unworthy had to be weeded out. This obsession started on a humble Tuesday while scrolling through Pinterest searching for somethin

To whom it may concern...

Hello, America! It's me: your saving grace...

Listen up penis havers. I’m tired. Every fucking time I go out, some guy (nongendered) really wants to shove their dick in my face claiming its the biggest shlong I’ll ever see. And you know what, I’m a curious type, so I let them at least give me a little show and tell. Not to touch, nonono absolutely not, just to look at. So we go to their musky ass frat room. They unzip and unsheath a richard so small most people would end up calling it ricky. And then I walk away. So I’ve

I would like to begin this ranking by acknowledging that...

Please read to the end of the report to hear a word from our sponsor! Washington DC, 2090. Phoenix A, the largest known black hole in the universe, has decided it wants a snack. A particularly annoying snack in the shape of a planet. A planet that sent a robot to probe Phoenix A was aghast at the lack of care for its consent in this probing, and subsequently decided it was our time to be consumed. But in a stroke of otherworldly generosity, the ravenous black hole has offer

The following was recently found by archeologists...

Yo. It's Tim. Your friendly neighborhood business major...

Ah yes, our society has somehow made it to 2026...