THE SQUIRREL

To whom it may concern...

Hello, America! It's me: your saving grace...

Listen up penis havers. I’m tired. Every fucking time I go out, some guy (nongendered) really wants to shove their dick in my face claiming its the biggest shlong I’ll ever see. And you know what, I’m a curious type, so I let them at least give me a little show and tell. Not to touch, nonono absolutely not, just to look at. So we go to their musky ass frat room. They unzip and unsheath a richard so small most people would end up calling it ricky. And then I walk away. So I’ve

I would like to begin this ranking by acknowledging that...

Please read to the end of the report to hear a word from our sponsor! Washington DC, 2090. Phoenix A, the largest known black hole in the universe, has decided it wants a snack. A particularly annoying snack in the shape of a planet. A planet that sent a robot to probe Phoenix A was aghast at the lack of care for its consent in this probing, and subsequently decided it was our time to be consumed. But in a stroke of otherworldly generosity, the ravenous black hole has offer

The following was recently found by archeologists...

Yo. It's Tim. Your friendly neighborhood business major...

Ah yes, our society has somehow made it to 2026...

In a world overrun by iPad kids and iPhone toddlers...

The holidays have finally arrived, a time to be calm and cozy and fail the most difficult holiday game. Whamageddon. Now, if you for some reason have never heard of this game, which would make sense because we were barely sentient in 2010, let me explain it for you. Whamageddon begins on December 1st and goes until Christmas Day. The goal? Don’t listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! the entire time. I know for a fact that I just lost so many of you, because apparently that is