THE SQUIRREL

SELINSGROVE, PA -- As Halloween approaches, people of all ages are once more launching themselves into

the spirit of the season. Cobwebs and broken windows are no longer a problem that will cost you a perfectly good Saturday to fix, and dressing in a bizarre costume is...

The Susquehanna University Board of Directors have offered a new solution to hiring full time faculty while saving both time and money. Instead of conducting the lengthy process of interviewing applicants, SU would simply pit prospects against each other in a trial by...

SU Students: As “hot girl summer” transitions into spooky season, we advise all students to be careful and take safety precautions when walking around at night. Recharged after a summer of cultivating their instagram, this year’s season of VSCO girls have been reported...

After the first week of classes, as well as a very useful weekend of basic socialization for

the freshmen, a speech was given by Dr. Keith E. Edwards about how to not sexually assault

others. Of course, this speech was intended for the freshmen who are new to the college

...

Local Selinsgrove man, John Whitteman, declares he isn’t racist, he just wants to avoid

all minorities at all costs.

“Yeah, I’m not racist,” commented Whitteman “I respect all ideologies and people of all

backgrounds. Except those God-damn Muslims. Those hijab wearing fre...

I was granted special invitation to Rave from the Grave’s Halloween Party this year. It is an infamous club on campus, well known for their ritualistic practices and partying on Halloween night. Rave seeks to satiate the restless and troubled spirits of Susquehanna Uni...

ROLLING HILLS, WA- Wheels are usually rolling at the Greener Pastures Retirement Center, but an announcement posted yesterday in the lobby’s bulletin board has residents rolling up in style. Raising the bar in elderly care, the management of Greener Pastures has announ...

SMITH HALL, PA – The environment of the bathroom on the third floor of Smith Hall could not be more

user friendly. Due to a couple dozen instances of flushing objects that should not be flushed, all

women’s bathrooms are now wallpapered with helpful articles and infograp...

NEZEROTH, OUTER RIM- Clad in pearl-white robes trimmed with golden filigree, a

messenger from the Temple of the Higher Echelon reports that The Elders would, in fact, like a

word with you.

“It will take but a moment,” the messenger is reported as saying, gesturing to you...

Local kids everywhere are in an uproar this Halloween after it was discovered

that none of the apples given out to trick-or-treaters this year contained razorblades.

“This is bullshit!” ranted one of the professional trick-or-treaters affected by the

incident. “Apples are...