THE SQUIRREL

Slowly but surely, spring is returning. Get your nasal spray...

Dear Reader...

Squirrels are one of North America’s most abundant creatures. Across the continent, they can be found scaling trees, skittering across fields, and begging to be hit by cars in suburban neighborhoods. Almost everyone on the East Coast has seen a squirrel, and nowhere are they more prevalent than… Susquehanna University. Our researchers are unsure what makes this university campus so attractive to the squirrel. One of the most accepted theories posited today is what its suppo

Streaming. The utter shit show that was...

Welcome to the Great Degenstein Dinner Show!...

Forgive me Father, for I have Zynned...

Hey there, you crazy kids! Here’s my go-to playlist for a typical day at Susquehanna University! Bad Romance by Lady Gaga: Because of the time the chicken was raw-raw-rah-ah-ah. A.D.H.D. by Kendrick Lamar: For listening to with your football boyfriend, who probably can’t read full song titles. Water Fountain by Alec Benjamin: For when you watch your GBP crush hook up with your Smith roommate at an Alpha Sigma Oedipus open house. Hot N’ Cold by Katy Perry: The dorm buildin

I’m tired of all these wars between different music streaming services. Oh, Spotify has ads, Apple Music isn’t free, Soundcloud is full of freaks, what even is iTunes, blah blah blah, I DON’T CARE! Fuck streaming, bring down the establishment. It’s time to go back to our roots– let’s lift up small, independent artists and local businesses– BRING BACK ROAMING BARDS! Release band kids to the streets! Do your street corners feel empty, blank, silent??? A simple fix: Capture a f

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.] Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession. To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if

Hi kids, it’s Elmo! As you may have heard, Elmo is no longer working at PBS. SAD!!!! :( ...