THE SQUIRREL

Dear Cirque du Squirrel, I write to you today with much desperation in my heart, for I am in need of a job. I have always admired the performances you put on, and want to be part of that beautiful, big top scene. Though there is a lack of circus experience on my resume, I promise I am entirely qualified. I was let go from being a yoga teacher recently because I was too flexible and it frightened our clients greatly. Participants had strong feelings on the amount I was pushi

SU’s theatre department has already presented the second musical of the year. It’s a wonder, seeing that the scripts were 600 pages long, and there were only two weeks of rehearsal, but here you have it: Ride the Squirrelclone is here! On a more serious note, the show is a tribute to SU’s less popular acapella group, Harmonic Consumption, who all tragically perished last year on the spring fair’s rickety ferris wheel. The plot of the musical begins with the members of HarmCon

*sigh* My name is [REDACTED], and I am a victim. a victim of an evil perpetrator who haunted my dreams when I was a kid. Normal kids were scared of the dark or the monster under the bed, but not me…I was scared of my former science teacher at Walkerville Elementary School. My family and I had to sign an NDA after what happened to me, so I legally cannot give out any names, but this teacher gave me emotional scars that I am still healing from. One should not be fooled by her c

Last Wednesday, the SU Board of Trustees met at 3AM to discuss changes to be made to the University. While the sentiment that the school is unprofitable has been a long-held position by most of the Trustees, the solution to such an issue has often been a simple increase in tuition. But after a surprising proposal by yours truly, in a nearly unanimous vote (35-1), the transformation was all but assured. When asked why she voted in favor of such a massive change to the school,

Hello all aspiring magicians! I’m so glad you all decided to come back for my brand new webinar about the totally awesome and completely real spells that I give away for free! This week we will be going over 3 totally fun new and very much real spells for you to use in your everyday life! Just turn to chapter three of your textbook Totally Real Spellz to begin. Spell 1: how to convince your mentor to pair you with a friend Have you ever really wanted to work with someone on a

Slowly but surely, spring is returning. Get your nasal spray...

Dear Reader...

Squirrels are one of North America’s most abundant creatures. Across the continent, they can be found scaling trees, skittering across fields, and begging to be hit by cars in suburban neighborhoods. Almost everyone on the East Coast has seen a squirrel, and nowhere are they more prevalent than… Susquehanna University. Our researchers are unsure what makes this university campus so attractive to the squirrel. One of the most accepted theories posited today is what its suppo

Streaming. The utter shit show that was...

Welcome to the Great Degenstein Dinner Show!...