THE SQUIRREL

*sigh* My name is [REDACTED], and I am a victim. a victim of an evil perpetrator who haunted my dreams when I was a kid. Normal kids were scared of the dark or the monster under the bed, but not me…I was scared of my former science teacher at Walkerville Elementary School. My family and I had to sign an NDA after what happened to me, so I legally cannot give out any names, but this teacher gave me emotional scars that I am still healing from. One should not be fooled by her c

We’ve all heard the stories about the famous TRAX Ferris wheel which we keep on campus, but do you know the TRUTH about it? If you don’t, you don’t have to worry, I’m here to tell you. It may sound unbelievable, but the Ferris wheel, yes, our very own Ferris wheel, is haunted. If you don’t already know, our great Ferris wheel has a fascinating history. The first Ferris wheel made its debut in 1893, and our own made its own only a few decades later, in 1929. This Ferris whee

Dear Jerald, Hello, fellow circus lovers. It has come to my attention that there is some confusion surrounding the identities of a couple of our resident circus positions, namely, our annoying, idiotic mime and lovable, amazing clown friends, who, to be clear, hold two separate positions. This confusion is very disturbing, as it affects me personally I care very much for my friends, who are mildly inconvenienced by this ignorant misconception. To be clear: clowns and mimes a

This documentary contains raw footage taken by Christopher Smith on October 31st, 2026. The following video contains bright flashes, maniacal laughing, grown men crying, and graphic images. Viewer discretion advised. [Black Screen. Then, clown picture. Black and white. Cue dramatic music.] Voiceover: I thought I was safe. I mean, I think we all did. [Picture of a little girl smiling with a balloon. Black and white except the balloon, which is bright red. Children’s laughter

Last Wednesday, the SU Board of Trustees met at 3AM to discuss changes to be made to the University. While the sentiment that the school is unprofitable has been a long-held position by most of the Trustees, the solution to such an issue has often been a simple increase in tuition. But after a surprising proposal by yours truly, in a nearly unanimous vote (35-1), the transformation was all but assured. When asked why she voted in favor of such a massive change to the school,

On the evening of October 3rd at 7:26 pm, a magician was arrested under the pseudonym The Amazing Magical Blythe, a name he got from a BuzzFeed quiz. The Amazing Magical Blythe had been hired to perform magic tricks in the park for a 10 year old’s birthday party and had excitedly shown up with many props. He started simple, calling a member up from the crowd and, in an attempt to draw the same card as them, he accidentally pulled and revealed the participant’s social securi

Local circus clown Honky-Donkey was arrested this evening on counts of smuggling and illegal possession of goods, where officers discovered evidence of illicit substances hidden in the large shoe compartment of his car. Under closer inspection, the officers determined that these substances were clown shoe enhancing drugs which had been purchased from the Black Market.Authorities searched the vehicle, finding 12 kilos of clowncaine and 5 kilos of LSD (larger shoe drug). Along

JOE: And now, we're gonna head to Susan with a look...

Dear Cinderella (2015), This isn’t easy for me to write, considering the only hands I have don’t have opposable thumbs, and it has taken me a long time to get the right words together, but I want to express my deepest condolences for ruining your one chance at getting out of that whack ass house you’ve been living in. You are just a young girl trying to have one night of freedom from the oppressive overlord that is your Hella Cunty™ Stepmother, but I don’t think you can rea

Interviewer: Our Squirrel reporters scored an interview with THE Lin-Manuel Miranda by pretending to be Disney and lying about a job opportunity. Let’s get right into it. You are known for being an award-winning American actor, producer, director, composer, lyricist, playwright, rapper, and librettist, as well as your roles in Hamilton and In The Heights , also your composed music featured in films like Moana , Encanto , and more. Please tell us, what is your go to coffee o