BREAKING NEWS: Black Hole Offers to SPARE US if Congress Can Pass ONE (1) BILL

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Washington DC, 2090. Phoenix A, the largest known black hole in the universe, has decided it wants a snack. A particularly annoying snack in the shape of a planet. A planet that sent a robot to probe Phoenix A was aghast at the lack of care for its consent in this probing, and subsequently decided it was our time to be consumed.

But in a stroke of otherworldly generosity, the ravenous black hole has offered to postpone this consumption of our one and only planet (RIP lunar colony circa 2063; your tragedy will always be remembered) but on one incredibly specific condition: the Congress of the United States of America must pass one, singular bill.

Frequent readers of this international report immediately began preparation for their inevitable demise, seeing as how the United States' Congress has been famously unable to pass a single bill since 2026. The temperature controlled data room storing the downloaded consciousness of every senator is prime real estate for a filibuster, and the senators take full advantage. "We never get anything done, and yet the government keeps paying us," joyfully exclaimed the automated voice of Mitch McConnell when asked to give a comment. "Bunch of suckers."

Whenever a senator server wants to disrupt the chances of legitimate conversation occurring between other senator servers, it can send digital files to them en masse which pop up on their screens in an annoying, blinking way. Often these files are nothing more than looped advertisements or retconned documents the senators insist they'll one day release to the public. A music video with a distinct opening tune that makes all the servers lag out is also quite common.

Despite please from other world nations that Phoenix A is being too cruel in its decision to only spare our world if Congress can pass a bill, the black hole refuses to change stance. "This is a lesson for all humanity," the black hole told our publication through gamma ray signals. "Your greatest evolutionary tool as a species is cooperation, bestowed upon you by the very forces of nature which created me.

"When one of you disrupts the sacred chain, all of you suffer, sliding further and further towards annihilation until one day you are unable to crawl free from its grasp. This should serve as a wake up call to those of you who hold all the power to push forward to brighter days, yet remain in the muck of bureaucracy."

Unfortunately these wise words from Phoenix A fell on deaf servers inside the Congressional data farm as three quarters of the Congress were found to have AI generated porn of minors on their servers and needed to be rebooted. Whoopsie! Hopefully when the assembly resumes next week they'll be able to stop dicking around and poss one of the many bills sitting in their queue so Phoenix A doesn't turn our planet into theoretical spaghetti.

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