Ye Olde Rotted Brain

The horrible children these days. I swear every generation gets dumber than the last. 

At first, they called it innovation. Finally, we can spread knowledge by “writing it down” instead of relying on our tried and true tradition of oral storytelling. It ruined that generation's memory. They didn’t have to memorize anything anymore. Just write down all their instructions, recipes, all new information. Don’t use your head, let the cuneiform do all the work. Ridiculous.

Then, they started making paper. All this writing was made a thousand times easier and lighter when we didn’t have to use clay tablets. At first, I was grateful. Less work to carry paper. But then the damn monks started writing books. Piles and piles of paper all wrapped up and titled, kept safe in these book-houses. All nonsense, a waste of time. Why couldn’t we just go back to memorization?

Fortunately, this reading and writing was shut down very quickly by the most brilliant people in the world: the farmers and laborers. Who had time to read and write when there was work to do? I valued their opinion above the nobility any day. We all stayed happily illiterate.

Until… the dreaded printing press. It was bad enough that the literate were making one copy of their “literature”, but now it could be mass produced. Even my staunch illiterates started to learn to read. It was incredibly disappointing. 

After that, I was forced to learn to read. I will never forgive my teacher. To this day, I have never written anything. (This article is dictated, and I am disgusted by the fact that it has to be.)

The written word continued to spread. I try to forget that time. Then, the new generation introduced the radio. At first, it sounded wonderful. Finally, we return to oral storytelling. But it’s not a real person, it’s a disembodied voice in a metal box. It’s horrifying, and deeply disturbing. The children weren’t even responding, having a conversation. How were they meant to even think for themselves?

And then! Oh, the horrors persisted! The technology sped up! Television, movies, talkies, telegraphs! More horrid ways of writing and refusing to think! Must we melt the brain entirely? 

And now we come to the newest removal of thought. I am grateful for radio removing the need for literacy, but now it's become concerning. At least I don’t read and I think for myself. What is Co-co Melon? And why does it look like that?

I believe the last truly intelligent humans were my people, communicating in person and drawing on cave walls. I miss leaving handprints on walls. It’s not socially acceptable anymore. Damn rotten brains. 

I resent the person dictating this article, and I’m sorry you, reader, have to be literate. Throw your phones into the sea and join me in the mountains to live traditionally. I will teach you how to hunt caribou and be free. 

Find me at t0t4llyn0rmal3mail@gmail.com for more information, my dictator/manservant/lover Ted will respond with my map to our settlement.