A Conversation of Equals
By: Squirrel Girl
Dear President Green,
Man. What the fuck. How many times do we have go through this? The food sucks, you don’t pay your employees (student or otherwise) enough, the AC is always messed up in one way or another, no one working here knows what they’re doing because they all keep quitting their jobs or getting fired, the list goes on literally for-fucking-ever.
Do you want us dead? Because I’m in year four here and based on all of my experiences so far, I’m pretty sure you want us dead. We’ve threatened to park our car on your lawn, we’ve drawn you in stripper heels and distributed it across campus, we even created a candidate out of spite and stressed-out delusion purely to run against you. How many more ways can we express to you that we have reached a level of done that scientists haven’t even discovered yet.
You need to figure out a solution, because I can’t keep doing this. You’re the big man in charge but I’m just a girl, dude. Every time I encounter even a minor inconvenience I at least briefly consider running into oncoming traffic. I’m just a fucking girl.
Coldly,
Squirrel Girl
Dear Squirrel Girl,
I am sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such turmoil. Let it be known, I have heard your outcries and I have taken the time to think on them. Each night I sit in my chair in the candlelight and the weight of my students' despair sits heavily on my shoulders.
I know you all want me to fix everything for you, to snap my fingers and make the troubles disappear. The truth is we as a community reside under a storm cloud, darkening our horizon and drenching us in downpours when we least expect it. And who am I—not a god, but a measly mortal—to control the weather? I like to think myself old, play at a man wiser than I am, but I have not lived through the ages and I cannot conduct the winds the way I can conduct a chorus.
All this to say, I understand your concerns. But there’s something you should understand: I, too, am just a girl.
With the utmost love,
President Green
President Green,
Hey dude, literally what the fuck are you saying.
With intense hatred,
SG
Dear Squirrel Girl,
I’m just a girl!!! I am absolved of all responsibility!!!
Kindly,
Prez Green
Jonathan,
You are a 59 year old man. Go fuck yourself.
Fuck you,
Squirrel Girl
