A Letter From June 2023

To whom it may concern,

I, the North Atlantic Iceberg, was not at all responsible for the events of April 15th, 1912.

It is ridiculous to think that an event that occurred over a century ago is still the talk of the town. The same questions come up every few years, and I need people to understand that nothing has changed. The events are the same; zoom, scrape, boom. The Titanic was going over the speed limit, they INJURED me, then sank. Now it sits on the ocean floor wallowing in its guilt.

Every narrative is the same song and dance; the Titanic hit the iceberg. There is no need to blame me. It’s in the facts, clear as day, I am the victim. This habit of victim blaming needs to stop. It was a normal night for me. The sky was calm, the waves were peaceful, and the temperature was just right. Just because it was a nice clear night does not mean there was no one around. I was. The Titanic was speeding in my neighborhood. They are at fault. In this day in age, their lawyers would have found a way to turn it on me. I’m glad they sank. It saved me a lot of paperwork and a 3 hour call to Geico. Stupid Gecko.

I am sick and tired of being made out to be the enemy when the truth is right in front of everyone. Have you seen the Titanic film? I did not tear those lovers apart. That was the responsibility of social classes, and a bunch of other stuff, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. That entire situation was out of my hands. They were falling apart before I even arrived! If the ship had made it past me safely, they still would have broken up upon arrival. Argue with the wall, bitch.

I am writing this to clear my name, but to also deliver one final plea; just stay out of my way. Do not come by my ocean. I can promise you that there is no one left to visit. It would just be really inconvenient for me and my healing journey if a group of people in a tiny submersible controlled by a video game controller interrupted my peace. My insurance doesn’t cover that. I hope you take my wish into consideration and stop littering my home.

The cold doesn't bother me anyway,

Mr. N.A. Iceberg

P.S. Can you look into fixing that global warming thing?