The Last Midnight

Dear Cinderella (2015), 

This isn’t easy for me to write, considering the only hands I have don’t have opposable thumbs, and it has taken me a long time to get the right words together, but I want to express my deepest condolences for ruining your one chance at getting out of that whack ass house you’ve been living in. You are just a young girl trying to have one night of freedom from the oppressive overlord that is your Hella Cunty™ Stepmother, but I don’t think you can really take the blame out on me here. Apparently only one of us here knows how to tell time and it sure as hell ain’t you.

While I am writing this letter to apologize to you, I feel like you can also take some accountability here. Are you really blaming the clock of all people for ruining your night where my job is to literally tell the time? I can think of some others that are definitely much guiltier than I. 

Let’s look at the pathetic excuse for a fairy godmother you have. Grandma really couldn’t give you any longer THAN MIDNIGHT? That’s truly on her, so don’t look at me for that. Also like girl I get it, Richard Madden is dreamy as hell, but you need to have some better spacial awareness. The only thing I will say is that I gave you an excellent backing track as you were dramatically running away from the castle and your true love, so you’re welcome for that.

While I may still be a little mad, I do understand why you would be upset with me. Can you find it in your heart to forgive this humble clock? I chimed happily at your wedding and have been your biggest supporter ever since, so let’s let bygones be bygones.

Sincerely, 

The Palace Clocktower