Santa’s Hoe Hoe Hoe

By: The Coolest Bitches In Town

NORTH POLE— It looks like the people fucking behind Weber aren’t the only ones making Santa’s naughty list because well, he somehow made his own. Earlier this week, Mrs. Claus approached The Squirrel, the only credible news source available, asking for us to make it known that her and Mr. Claus decided to go through with a divorce after a PornHub video of him and one of their elves, Jolly Holly, leaked. We, at The Squirrel, were appalled by the allegations held against Mr. Claus.

We asked Mrs. Claus for specifics on the video and let me tell you… she went into detail. We will shield your eyes from the excessive amount of details shared with us, but can say some of the things were vulgar.

“‘Santa has a big sack… he can taste my cookie any day. Let him have a drink of my milk… Santa can help me frost my cookies any day.’ WHAT A FUCKING WHORE! I knew there was something fishy going on whenever he was having the elves make sex toys.” She then broke into sobs.

The Squirrel then went to Mr. Santa Claus, that whore, himself and Jolly Holly, for any details they could get. They both agreed to interview, but only if they could do it together. The Squirrel went and sat down with them and could feel the sexual tension between them (especially with the way Santa aggressively rubbed Jolly Holly’s thigh and the consistent lip biting), but they eventually got to speaking.

“I just couldn’t resist myself when it comes to Jolly Holly. I mean, just look at her and those love handles. The only thing I regret about this is the prenuptial agreement Mrs. Claus and I had because now I have lost everything.” Mr. Claus shook his head, but then redirected his attention towards Jolly Holly before asking The Squirrel, “Threesome?”

“Santa has the biggest fucking sack I’ve ever seen.” Jolly Holly said and proceeded to begin to initiate the fucking in front of The Squirrel. No wonder they wanted to do the interview in the bedroom.

The Squirrel immediately went to file sexual harassment charges against Mr. Claus and Jolly Holly. We then proceeded to run to Mrs. Claus to tell her the news, but found her keying the words, “I hope frosting her cookie was worth it” onto Mr. Claus’s sleigh. “There were so many fucking red flags. The red fucking suit, everything in our house either red, white, or green, the red wrapping paper, every fucking thing in this damn house is fucking red!” Mrs. Claus screamed at The Squirrel.

The Squirrel felt that after seeing that, Mr. Claus was going to need Amazon Prime and their logo in order to get all the gifts out for Christmas this year (and to cover some of his defaced sleigh). This happened just in time for Taylor Swift’s Red. We, at The Squirrel, wish Mrs. Claus a very Merry Swiftmas.