Santa’s Hoe Hoe Hoe 2.0 (Bitches)

By: Feeling Frosty this Holiday Season

NORTH POLE– Santa Claus has bitches. And when I say bitches, I mean his arch nemesis. Santa Claus and Jack Frost have been lowkey playing the hokey pokey (if you know what I mean). Mrs. Claus came to The Squirrel with harrowing reports of overhearing “And you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, then I’ll break your back. YEAH!”

We, at The Squirrel, cannot imagine the kind of trauma that Mrs. Claus, or rather Ms. Frost has experienced from hearing this in her humble abode. She decided to revert back to her maiden name in the wake of these events. Firstly (if you remember), Santa Claus cheated on Mrs. Claus with one of their elves and we guess that hole wasn’t tight enough for him. Holly Jolly eventually tracked down The Squirrel to give her input on the entire affair.

“Ya know, it started out with a threesome because I’m a little more… adventurous than Mrs. Claus (Ms. Frost). I thought it was weird that they were really only focusing on each other and not me. Eventually it just turned into me watching them from a corner of the room,” Holly Jolly reported. She began to tremble from the thought of what happened that night.

“They wanted to videotape for OnlyFans account to afford the gifts for the kids since our labor is mostly free. It eventually turned into them doing the Hokey Pokey in so many different ways.” Holly Jolly ran out of the room crying, collecting her clothes from the bedroom floor in a worrisome manner. We assumed that this happened very recently.

Santa Claus and Jack Frost were finishing up in the closet while Holly Jolly left her interview so we sat in the bathroom, waiting for them to come out.

“Damn, that was a good sesh of the rocking around the Christmas tree.” Jack Frost said as he couldn’t keep his hands off Santa Claus. We figured they wanted to go for another Sleigh Ride, so we let them. We felt it was appropriate for us to move ourselves into the shower, behind the curtain when we heard stumbling coming towards us.

“I’m feeling a bit icy-spicy, let’s get into the shower,” Jack said. And then we were discovered. “What. The. Frosty. Fuck.” Jack Frost froze. Quite literally froze. We were all frozen in that moment.

“Thank you for finally coming out of the closet. May we ask what is going on here?” The therapy we seeked for last year's events taught us how to be confrontational in these moments.

“We’re officially out of the claus-etI guess 😏,” Santa Claus remarked. He was literally eye-fucking Jack Frost in front of us, so we decided to leave and inform Ms. Frost of the unfortunate news. “My brother… HE’S FUCKING MY BROTHER?” Ms. Frost ripped her sexy outfit to shreds. She had picked it out for whenever Santa Claus decided to find his way back to her because she “does it better” (we all know who does it the best right now). Jack Frost and Santa Claus stormed in, only muttering the words, “We know you’re mad… wanna join in?”

Therapy. We need more therapy. And Santa Claus? He is canceled.; just like Christmas.