Calling Out Cogsworth: Clockish Fiend

It’s been a minute since the Squirrel has had a solid cancellation. Allow me, Ignacious, a squirrel who gained access to a typewriter, to create a new scandal. 

I hate that goddamn tiny clock in Beauty and the Beast. He’s a control freak, a hardass, and such a brownnoser I wonder how he hasn’t crawled all the way up to the Beast’s stomach. But let me relax, and organize my thoughts. 

First of all, he’s British. I could stop writing here, as this is an unforgivable sin, but I have more to say. 

Second, he is so rude to everyone else in this castle, and only wants to save himself in any situation. Throwing Lumière under the bus the moment the Beast gets mad, and fighting with the others when all they want to do is feed this poor girl some good food? Seek help. 

Thirdly, the relationship he has with Lumière is clearly unethical polyamory. You could argue this isn’t his fault, but he agreed to be in this throuple with him and that sexy feather duster, and then he couldn’t handle it. Now, he’s just being mean to his boyfriend instead of breaking up so they can find a new third. I’m sure once you turn human again you can find a new boo. Maybe LeFou will be down to hookup, I don’t know! 

Fourthly, he doesn’t even tell the time! He can’t read his own face, his clock hand mustache is always pointing to like 5:40, and even then he’s not consistent because he wiggles them around all the time to try and seem fun! This opportunity to be good at something was handed to him on a silver platter, and he still can’t manage it! And he doesn’t even chime! What a fraud. Broken ass clock can’t even be right ONCE a day.

In conclusion, I would rather be turned into the castle toilet than have to deal with that tiny clockish bastard. Fuck Cogsworth. Ignacious out.