Tinder Oops All Robots

Diligent Squirrel reporters recently found this press release draft from Tinder HQ, yet another contender looking to be on the forefront of AI technology. Testing has proven their new AI initiative to be incredibly flawed, both environmentally and ethically. It uses more water per day than the entire city of Detroit and has also been described by beta users as “horrible”, “a tool for evil”, and “more soulless than we could have ever imagined”. 

The feature will still be released as a part of the app's updates for April. 

Online dating can be difficult. Sure, it may only start with a swipe, but after you swipe, you have to take the time to actually talk with your matches. And what if you say the wrong thing? Worry not! We have a solution for you. Introducing Venus™: the ultimate wingman. 

Powered by AI, Venus™ is here to help you with all sorts of things. Setting up your profile? Ask Venus™ for advice! Need help chatting with your matches? Venus™’s got your back! By scanning all of the messages ever sent on the app, tweets from various alpha male advice accounts, and the profile of your match, Venus™ will help you think of responses and help your relationship start strong. Your match likes hiking? Venus™ can help you think of a hiking pick up line to start the convo. Your match has a two truths and a lie question listed? Easy! Venus™ can determine the answer based on the statistics of lie placement. 

If you still want more help, you can upgrade to Venus™+ for only $29.99 a month for more incredible features, like putting your account on autopilot. Cut out the middleman. Instead of consulting you first, Venus™+ will reply to matches for you so you can sit back and relax, watch tik toks, have a mai tai. When the date comes around, Venus™+ will put together a quick compilation of key discussion points alongside some Subaway Surferz gameplay. It’ll be like you were engaged in the conversation the whole time!

If you want even more help, there’s Venus™ Premium+, which is different and better than Venus™+, we promise. Venus™ Premium+ is $299.99 a month and adds features like swiping on matches for you! Just add information about what you’re looking for and boom. Venus Premium+ is even trained especially on your messages! It’ll sound just like you, probably.

Like a drunk friend at the bar, sometimes Venus™ makes some bad calls. Sometimes, it’ll accidentally lie to your match and then pretend it never happened. Venus™ isn’t perfect. But, even if a little mistake slips through, there’s still plenty of fish in the sea. Venus™ will help you get back out there and find the perfect match for you. Eventually, all you hopeless romantics will be using Venus™ to chat with each other, eliminating all human interaction from the platform! Isn’t that exciting?!

We understand that some of our more retro users might want to opt out of Venus™. That’s fine, we didn’t like invest millions of dollars into this program or anything. If it bothers you that much, you can just ignore the help box every time it pops up, which will be a LOT, like pretty much every time you go to send a message. Even if you dismiss it, it’ll keep coming up, so you might as well embrace it, this is the future of dating. Or you can leave the app and try to find someone in person, like that’ll ever happen.