[URGENT] Save The Scammers

Hello, friends. I hope this email finds you well. I would like to bring to your attention an urgent dilemma in the world of online scamming. There are poor unfortunate souls suffering from the affliction we call… stupidity. Online scammers are getting more foolish by the day, their brains rotting from hours spent in front of their computer screen, constructing poorly thought out spam emails. And with each day, their schemes deteriorate in quality. I know we’ve all been annoyed by these poor scammers in the past, but I think some concern is in order.

Back when I first started getting spam calls and emails, I heard horror stories about high tech scamming ventures. I thought people were going to steal my identity by recording my voice from phone calls or send a virus directly to my phone to snatch all my credit card info. And to be fair, I have gotten some good spam messages. Like one that sent me a perfect copy of the USPS website, down to the smallest design details. But recently, everything I’ve received has been so absurd that I pity the person who looked at these messages and thought “yeah, this’ll trick people”.

For one, spam messagers keep insulting me. I received a random Zoom link one day that started with “Hi, Poopy Pants!”. I do NOT shit my pants. Why would they even imply that? I was so shocked I almost wanted to join the call just to see what it was. Maybe that was their strategy all along. But seriously, if you’re going to scam me at least use my name :(

And, of course, there are the overly obvious fake emails. I’m sure all of you have seen someone claim to be from your bank and they absolutely need your account number, but their email address is an indecipherable keyboard smash like ajgnrfiuvlbewyutrndlw@gmail.com. But the one I got beats them all. The message was innocuous at first. A random job offer that was clearly a scam but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. But what was the email address you might ask? I looked at the sender just to immediately see the word “enslavement”. Excuse me? ENSLAVEMENT? Have cartoon villain monologues taught us nothing? You don’t spell out your plans before enacting them.

I just fear these scammers are losing brain cells. Someone should check up on them. At this point, it would be more effective to say “pretty please send a picture of your social security card”. These spam messages aren’t just a pathetic show of their intelligence, but also an unforgivable insult to my intelligence. Do they think I’m illiterate? Do they think I like being accused of shitting my pants? I’m hurt. Random scammers, I thought we were friends.

But despite my wounded feelings, I want to help. I’ve devised a plan to teach these tragic souls the proper way to scam someone. All I need is a few kind volunteers to send me their address and the last four digits of their social security numbers. Together, we can save the world of online scams from the brain rot apocalypse. Email your information to t0t4llyn0rmal3mail@gmail.com if you want to help out!

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