What Cronus Really Thinks

I would say that I’ve been dead since the dawn of time, but bitch, I am Time. If you’re confused, perhaps you think you haven’t heard of me. I am Cronus, the Titan of Time, father of those so-called “Olympians”. You know the horny man with the lightning bolt? Yeah. He came out of my balls. And then he killed me. For eating his siblings. Unthankful brat. All I wanted was a snack. Fuck you dude, I was hungy. 

Quite frankly, I was doing the world a favor. For centuries after my demise, all of creation was ruled by the most incestual union of sexual deviants who fell ass-backwards into being deities. But no matter. It appears those horny siblings soon met their own deaths because mortals had a period when you just didn’t give a shit about them. All’s well that ends well, but what doesn’t change is the fact that Time itself has been dead for a long damn time, and you mortals can’t even perceive how fucked you are. 

I think The Fates would have vomited if they lived to see whatever the fuck you mortals got up to without them. I mean, come on. The day and age you all are living in makes my Underworld prison seem like the perfect summer getaway. You all took free will wayyy too fucking far. I mean, genocide? The atom bomb? Twitter? You all disgust me. 

You ever heard that you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead? Yeah? Well fuck you guys. I bite my thumb at thee. Whenever I see “Time” plastered on whatever sci-fi fantastical bullshit, I fantasize about having my body torn apart by my own children again. And no matter how hard you try to time travel, you forget the crucial detail that Time. Is. Dead.

Babygirl, when I was in charge, you all were sailing peacefully through the ocean on a beautiful ship weaved by divinity. But then you stripped the boat for parts, and now you’re doggy-paddling your way into the infinite storm of existentialism. 

There was a Time where I think I would have been happy to reclaim my rightful place as ruler of your cosmos. But no. You all choose to worship a man who polymorphed into animals to have sex. I hope you learn to respect your fucking elders, assholes </3