A Letter from the Editor: Can We Cancel Cancel Culture?

Dear Readers,

You heard it here first! (Unless you skipped straight to the back page, you heathen.) The Squirrel has been canceled, and not like how we as a society try to cancel Kanye every couple years, actually canceled. Canceled like a Democrat who doesn’t hit enough buzz words in a public address. Canceled like Julia Fox for having an accent sexists don’t like. Canceled like any famous woman who alleges the white-boy celebrity of the month assaulted them (I’m looking at you, Johnny Depp).

Why, you may ask? Well to be honest, it’s hard to pair down. Some say it’s because we’re too silly, others say we’re not silly enough. Some claim we’re biased towards the left while others know we’re biased towards the left. Many faculty and administrators find us annoying, to which we must remind them that the sentiment is mutual. One person even accused us of being “anti-furry,” which is a stance we think is hilarious and we’re happy to align ourselves with, so jot that down.

If you’ve complained about it, we’ve gotten a poorly worded Instagram DM about it. Mostly, we think it’s because the general population lacks a functional, working definition of the word “satire.” (And a grammar level above the fourth grade.) Regardless of the legitimacy of these claims, one thing is clear: rent is due and The Squirrel paying in recompense.

So why is everyone so obsessed with cancel culture? What is the appeal of weaponizing social ostracization? It’s no secret that humans are incredibly social beings. If we want to do more than just survive, we need a community. A person without their loved ones is like a bunny being gifted to a sticky-fingered child on Easter morning (dying within a month from loneliness) (please look this up, it’s a true bunny fact).

Without actually murdering someone, social death is one of the worst cruelties the average-joe can (legally, unfortunately) inflict upon his fellow man. To rip a bunny from its community is to sentence it to a tragic death, and probably also a heinous Easter-themed photoshoot.

If you accept that the need for community is an intrinsic part of humanity, which I obviously do, then it’s not hard to see that cancel culture’s most common victim is regular-shmegular people. The rich and powerful have more to lose, and so chipping away at their public image is akin to chipping your nail polish. A little annoying and exponentially easier to fix if you’re ridiculously rich. (I will remind you that there were people making FANCAMS of Johnny Depp during his defamation trial.)

Twitter callouts and Instagram infographics will never matter to the rich who are too busy chilling on their superyachts to look at user @pro_anti_420 ranting about said use of superyachts. Cancel culture isn’t real to these people: if it was, someone would have assassinated Elon Musk by now. (There’s still time.)

On the other hand, someone who both lacks a superyacht and the knowledge about why they’re super-unethical is infinitely more vulnerable to some internet bitch-boy berating them for Tweeting that “boats are cool.” It’s not a crime to think boats are cool; everyone knows it’s impossible to be sad on a boat (note from the Associate Editor who is deeply terrified of the ocean: no the fuck it is not). But if we turn the lack of awareness about yachts into a crime while also equating boats to superyachts, then those without even a pool floaty will immediately start drowning.

You must either be born with godlike rhetorical skills and the willpower to be super-anti superyacht 24/7 or you must die never expressing a singular thought on any boats at all. But watch out, because not making it explicitly clear that you think superyachts are super-bad is also a cancelable offense.

And for what purpose?? Towards what end are we moving?? Is the goal really to become “educated enough” so you can look down on those whom you consider to be beneath your intellectual level? No, please, I’ve had enough. Just fuck off. We’ve been struggling in the name of progress for too long just for semantics to be our downfall. Ultimately, liberals concerned with semantics have presented everyone else on the left two options: either be born into the “correct” set of circumstances to ensure that you end up as the perfect little leftist, or die in silence.

Ironically (and in the same vein as cancel culture), do I know what I’m arguing for? No, but I sure as hell know what I’m arguing against. Listen up liberals, leftists, and Elon Musk haters, there needs to be a switch. Stop being little bitches on the internet. Stop doxing regular-ass people because they’re not meeting your impossibly high moral standards. Instead, try to speak to your fellow man with respect. Redistribute the wealth of knowledge with kindness in your goddamn hearts or so help me god I will light this school on fire.

Yours, Regretfully,

The Editor in Chief of The Squirrel