Letter From the Associate Editor on Being Canceled
Dear Readers,
Well, it’s finally happening. It seems we’ve crossed one too many lines and the general SU public has officially had enough. The Squirrel has been #canceled. While this news deeply saddened us when we first heard it, it also motivated us to open our hearts to feedback. We took to the streets (literally) and to the polls (of the Instagram variety) to get to the bottom of why the people of Susquehanna University hate us. And, frankly, the answers we received are baffling.
To start with an actually valid critique, we’d like to address the claim that we “do not engage in nearly enough shenaniganery.” We are deeply ashamed to admit that you’re absolutely right about that one. But have you ever considered that maybe we’re just a little tired after carrying this university on our back for the past eight years? Really, you should just be grateful that we’re still around to provide a few laughs as the days grow shorter and the seasonal depression starts to kick in. That being said, going forward we will double down on the shenaniganery and dial up the wisecracking.
One member of the community lodged a complaint that we publish “biased reporting” and that it’s “really not good satire.” All due respect, if you’re just now noticing our biases that’s kinda on you. If you’re making note of it because you’re not biased in the same direction (left-ward ho!), then I regret to inform you that you’re actually just a smelly little piece of trash. And, with no respect this time, if you don’t like our amazingly brilliant satire then maybe you should just run back to the stinky dumpster you crawled out of, you rancid little pissbaby. What are you gonna do, cancel us for being funny? Go cry to your mommy about how The Squirrel made you angwy by being gay and suppowting humans wights :’(
Someone demanded that we publish another coloring page and, as the person who slaves over our art every semester for you heathens, I’m personally insulted. Do you think I have unlimited time? An entire backlog of coloring page ideas? Maybe I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of another coloring page. Maybe I want you to never again experience the childlike joy of coloring in a yassified President Green because you suck and you don’t deserve it.
One of you literally blamed us for a squirrel coming down your chimney into your house ten years ago. To be fair, that was actually our doing, but a cancelable offense? Seriously? We provided you with a squirrel friend and this is how you repay us?
And to the person who said “fuck you, bourgeoisie scum, burn in squirrhell” because they found out that squirrels kill and eat chipmunks: What are you going to do about it little bitch boy? Hmmm?? You gonna charge us with a crime?? Jail us for murder??? It’s the circle of life you dumb fuck. Normally, we’d tell someone like you to touch grass. However, seeing as you’re afraid of the majesty of mother nature herself, we suggest that you stay inside, “Cask of Amontillado” style. Forever.
After reviewing all of the grievances we received, I’ve gotta be honest with you, none of them are valid. I didn’t realize this campus was populated almost entirely by crybabies and dumbasses (okay, I kinda did). Do you think we’re just jesters for your amusement? Do you think you’re the king in this situation, telling us to dance and make you laugh while holding the power to sentence us to death (AKA cancellation)?
No, you fucking fools. If anything, you’re all a bunch of sheep out in a pasture and we are the wolf at the edge of the solar panel field ready for dinner. We hold all of the power here, and we declare that none of these complaints are anything close to cancelable material. You all can keep crying and whining, and we’re gonna keep being the best goddamn part of this godforsaken school. Respectfully,
Yours (& not going anywhere),
The Associate Editor in Chief of the Squirrel
