An Open Letter to Scott Kershner

Dear Chaplain,

Hey man, remember that email you sent out ___ days ago? Yeah, I’m still mad about that. What the fuck. Okay, yeah, it was very weird and targeted of you to contact all the agnostic and atheist students implying they have any interest in finding religion (at the Susquehannock Tribute Circle, no less!) and implicating an innocent student in said email yada yada blah blah blah. That was bad, obviously. But I feel like the real problem here is that I didn’t get your email????

Scott. My man. My buddy. My pal. Should I, like, be offended? Did I do something wrong? I mean, I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here but I’m feeling pretty excluded—next thing you know you’re gonna be, like, telling me I’m the only kid in class not invited to your birthday party. I just can’t even fathom how I slipped through the cracks on this one, dude.

I spend like every second of every day talking about how it’s impossible for there to be some sort of higher power because there’s no way any higher power would let whatever the fuck is going on at this university keep happening. If your god does exist (doubtful) and he’s just up there letting Deg do its thing, he sucks big time and, honestly, he should go to hell for that one. Though, to be fair, sending him to Evert would probably have the same effect.

Anyway, consider your invite to my birthday party revoked. You can have one of your sad little socials all on your own while me and everyone else are partying and, like, committing sacrilege or whatever.

Lots of love,

someone who is so obviously atheist you dick