Letter From Kevie Poo <3

This is a piece of fan mail that we received from our dear Kevie Poo <3 We left it unedited out of respect. RIP Kev. (rest in pain)

Dear “The Squirrel”,

Thanks a lot. Thanks a whole lot. You hated on me and made everyone else hate on me too. If you supported me and my career everyone else would have too. This school is full of sheep, and they heard your “baa” and they baa’d baaa’ck. I didn’t even know squirrels could baa. You are all a bunch of haters, and you know what they say about haterz.

You cost me my job, my amazing, perfect, easy, fun job! Sike. The joke’s on you; I hated that job. I purposely made the food shitty so everyone would have to spend all their money eating out. I fired someone once for putting seasoning on the mystery meat, you little punks don’t deserve good, flavorful food. I left your new dining services manager with the best advice I could. I said, “Listen here lady, these kids suck. They don’t deserve good food and they wouldn’t know good food if it knocked on their door, so don’t bother trying.” And with that my “roomie” Peter and I skipped out the door.

Fuck you The Squirrel! I mean seriously I didn’t even know squirrels could read, let alone write and publish an entire magazine. Who taught you, seriously? Certainly not this faculty. I don’t get it, it took me 12 years to learn how to write, that’s longer than you’re entire life span. Squirrels live between 5 and 10 years. I looked it up, I know professors don’t like wikipedia but I DO. I mean, do you even have opposable thumbs? Seriously I do not understand the mechanics of it and that’s not just cuz I flunked bio back in the 10th grade. And you know what, who even needs bio. That’s for nerds and one thing I am not is a nerd. If anything I’m a geek but I prefer alpha male.

I hope you fall out of a tree,

K-Money

*Message to “K-Money”: I hope you know, I already have.*