And We’d Do It Again
By: anti-hero (it’s me, hi!)
Okay, listen. I know we’re in the depths of the ‘cancel culture’ era right now or whatever, but I simply cannot stand for this. There is no reason to cancel The Squirrel, people! In fact, The Squirrel has literally never done anything wrong. Ever. There’s a lot of claims being thrown around these days, and I’m here to debunk all of them.
First of all: It has come to our attention that some people on this campus are upset with us for that one weekend where we went around throwing a bunch of cats into trees. But, guys, you have to understand—we were just trying to bag a squirrel. You know how when you get a ball stuck somewhere high up you throw another ball at it to knock it back down? It was just like that! Can you seriously blame us for just wanting a cute little mascot?
Secondly: Can everybody calm down over the time we tried to do a blood sacrifice? Like, it’s not even that big of a deal! The whole thing was a failure anyway (as far as you know), it didn’t even work (as far as you know)! Although—hypothetically—if we had succeeded, then maybe you should all be thanking a certain group of people for a particular person affiliated with the university whose name may or may not rhyme with Schmynn Schmuck for finally giving us the LGBTQ+ representation we deserve. Plus, the freshman didn’t even lose enough blood to need to go to the hospital. And isn’t it high time we instill some fear in the business kids anyway? They need to be taken down a peg and if doing that makes us the ‘villain,’ literally so be it, we’d be a hot villain anyway.
Also, I would just like to remind everyone that we only allegedly broke into President Green’s house and moved all of his furniture just slightly enough for it to bother him without actually realizing what the problem is, therefore slowly driving him insane. You have no proof, other than his slowly deteriorating mind, and we admit to nothing. However, sources have reported that President Green has seemed just a bit on edge lately. Not that we would know anything about that.
Frankly, we here at The Squirrel find all of these claims highly inappropriate. It seems there are some specific organizations (cough, the quill, cough) who are just trying to smear our name in the press when actually we are nothing less than perfect angels. That being said, we will be streaming Vigilante Shit on repeat while we continue about our very professional, incredibly legitimate practices. And, if anymore business majors go missing, we can all just be cool about it, okay?
