Handbook for the Recently Canceled

By: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

Have you recently found yourself on the outs with the internet? Are the ghosts of your past tugging on your pigtails like an elementary school bully? Do you deserve the backlash that’s been piling up in your inbox? Of course not. You’re human. We all do silly things now and again, it’s not THAT big of a deal… so you’ve cursed at children, so you’ve tricked a few dead homeowners, so you’ve said one or two things you shouldn’t in DMs with Winona Ryder, so you’ve been drunk calling a pizza hut sobbing uncontrollably and begging them to fire your ex— it happens.

Your audience will inevitably come crawling back to you for that sweet, sweet content, if, that is, you can weasel your way around the accusations.

To help you in your time of need, we’ve assembled this list of options below; be sure to try one or as many of these methods you see necessary.

What Scandal?

Business as usual. Do whatever you can to avoid addressing the situation. Post like you normally would, delete any comments mentioning the incident. If anyone happens to ask you about it in person, get out as soon as you can. Some easy escape routes include: breaking into a sprint on all fours in the opposite direction, doing your best mime impression, and faking a major bodily injury such as a heart attack. Eventually, someone else will do something stupid and everyone will move on to bothering them instead.

Crying in Thumbnail

Make a video addressing all of the controversy. Give it a catchy title, something like “taking accountability” and ensure that you have the perfect ugly-cry photo to use as the thumbnail. The tears don’t have to be genuine, but try to make it somewhat believable to maximize the sympathy from your audience. Add at least six midroll breaks for good measure– if your apology doesn’t work at least you’ll have made some decent cash. This method has been used by all the greats: Laura Lee, Tana Mongeau, Trisha Paytas, and they’re still relevant enough for me to list their names, if it worked for them it could work for you!

“Sorry you were offended,”

It’s not your fault people were upset by what you said— you weren’t trying to cause any uproar. Make a statement discussing the incident, provide people with the details, but make sure to emphasize the fact that you were joking, that the comments you made weren’t meant to be taken seriously, etc. etc. Tell people that the statement was taken out of context. Ensure that you “apologize”, but not in a way that would make you fully liable. “Sorry you were upset, but…” is a great template to get you started!

I’m Just a Little Guy

Baby’s first Cancellation! You’re young. You didn’t know any better, you just acted stupidly. You’re still learning!

Give the people who called you out credit– puff up their ego a little bit. They were right to bring your attention to this issue– how else would you know you were wrong! Refer to your actions as reckless, irresponsible, inaccurate to your character. Like Brett Kavenaugh once said: “Goo-goo Ga-ga”. Show your shame, then, carry on.

Notes App Poetry

A twist on a classic. You’re a creator, an artist. Express yourself. Write something that illustrates your emotions through the turmoil. Take a screenshot. Then, take a screenshot of said screenshot. Caption with a brief apology, two or three sentences will do the trick, add a purple heart emoji for good measure. Post.

If you have any questions, just say my name three times! I’ll be right there to help you out.