BREAKING NEWS: Benny The Riverhawk Gets Julius Caeser-ed in a Las Vegas Motel Room?!?!
By: L’écureuil
Benny the Riverhawk, beloved mascot and former supreme leader of Susquehanna University, has been found brutally murdered in a shady Las Vegas motel room. A mascot no one truly knew, Benny was discovered in what could have been a set on Euphoria: leopard-print condoms littering the bedside, cocaine lines across the windowsill, empty vodka bottles in the leopard-print mini fridge, pentagrams in blood covering the walls, and a cowering hooker in the bathroom wearing a leopard-print bikini. After the shock of the scene had faded, police discovered the orange-feathered fellow had been stabbed 23 times by knives of various sizes, and his blood had been smeared across the wall in the gruesome message: We Are The New Mascot!
“Whoever did this, give them whatever they want,” said one completely objective and non-scripted onlooker. “They Julius Caeser-ed that orange fucker! It’s the first successful crusade, like, ever!”
And who did commit such a heinous murder? Detectives say they are looking at only one possible suspect: The Squirrel!
Lead detectives on the case had these completely unprompted and non-coached words to say: “We have found evidence of squirrel fur underneath that orange asshole’s claws. He put up a fight, but obviously a shitty fight since he got stabbed 23 times like a little bitch. There were also half eaten nuts everywhere, so the murderers clearly had good taste in snacks. Whoever orchestrated such a magnificent murder plot deserves the role of mascot and supreme leader of Susquehanna University.”
So there you have it folks! The Squirrel, having ousted Benny from this campus like Kevin Hamilton from dining services, are now up for the role of mascot and leader of this university. Will we accept this change in leadership? Will the Hawk’s Nest survive yet another name change? Did Benny fly to Las Vegas by airplane or by his own wings? Could Benny even fly with those tiny things? All these answers and more are probably never coming, but all you suckers can hope, right?
