The Biggest Fight in Susky History
By Ashlea Oakum
SELINSGROVE, PA – It’s here, folks. The biggest event of the year. The biggest event in HISTORY. That’s right. It’s time for.........the Logo War. The biggest fight ever. You heard of Jake Paul fighting random people for funsies? Well, this is just like that, except that neither of these competitors have a criminal history just short of being felon-worthy...I think.
Introducing our first competitor – Sticker Benny. You guessed it – that little sticker of silly Benny snoozing on your laptop has a 50/50 (not accurate) chance of getting his shit rocked. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
Our other competitor is the face that everyone knows – Official Benny. The official RiverHawk logo that looks like Satan’s personal pet bird. Isn’t he just so scary?? Like, damn, I almost shit my pants every time I look at him.......................anyways, here are the stats for each fighter.
Here’s some fun facts about our competitors, just so you can get to know them a little better!
Fun Facts about Sticker Benny:
Says “wowie” and “oof” unironically
Will have you home at exactly 8:59PM so that your dad doesn’t get mad at him
Owns too many pairs of Hawk Crocs (A.K.A. Crawks)
3.5 GPA
Fun Facts about Official Benny:
Doesn’t know how he got here
Or who you are
Or where he is
He is dissociating
He needs to contact CAPS as soon as possible (unless they never get back to him...again)
Has the best jawline a fake bird can get
Sad!
Now, you may be asking, “why do we need a logo war??” And my answer to that question is.... why the fuck not? They are completely different, and there must be one true logo that can properly represent our school. Besides, isn’t Sticker Benny just a de-yassified Official Benny? Didn’t they do the same thing to him as they did to the green M&M?? DON’T YOU THINK HE DESERVES A CHANCE AT JUSTICE?????????
To see the fight, head over to Smith Lawn on Wednesday, May 4th (National Bird Day – WAY better than Star Trek Day or whatever the fuck is going on) at 4:30PM. Trust me, this is more important than Ultimate Frisbee practice. There will be hype, energy, spite, blood, sweat, tears, piss, fears, bird shit, trivago, mental health crises, and two fake birds screaming at each other for like 20 minutes. Maybe there will be feathers! You don’t want to miss it, I promise!!
