Colleen Hoover I Am in Your Walls
By: please let me out it’s dark in here and i’m scared
If you’ve been living under a rock or simply have zero interaction with the literary world whatsoever, you might not know who Colleen Hoover is. If so, I am extremely jealous of you and I full heartedly believe that you live a life without fear that I will never be able to fathom. Colleen Hoover, who is lovingly (derogatory) referred to by the nickname ‘CoHo,’ is an author who has gained insane amounts of attention online recently. She’s most famous for writing books like It Ends With Us and for just generally being a horror to the worst degree.
In the spirit of this being your initiation to the concept of Colleen Hoover, let’s play two truths and a lie. Ready?
Colleen Hoover’s debut novel was released in 2009.
Colleen Hoover announced a coloring book for her novel about an abusive relationship only to have to cancel said coloring book within hours because of the backlash and the several comments about whether it would come with a set of black and blue crayons to color the main character’s bruises
Colleen Hoover once blocked a 16 year old girl who reached out to her for help because Hoover’s son (an adult man) had allegedly sexually assaulted her
Can you tell which is the lie? If you guessed number one, you’re absolutely correct! She actually self-published her first novel in 2012, so that first one was clearly a blatant lie.
Should we go for another round? Okay, this time let’s do it with book quotes. Two of these are real life quotes from Colleen Hoover books and one of them I just made up, can you tell which is which?
“We both laugh at our son’s big balls.”
“When he was wiping cow shit on me, it was quite possibly the most turned on I’ve ever been.”
“She looked hotter than even his mother, and that was saying something.”
And the fake one is (drumroll, please).....number three! Haha, can you imagine if that one was real? That would almost be as weird as writing about the erotic properties of cow manure. Haha. Ha.
Alright, last round, I promise. Let’s see if you can get this one…
Colleen Hoover is from Texas
Colleen Hoover was a social worker before she was a writer
A Colleen Hoover stan is single handedly responsible for ZLibrary being taken down, devastating book worms and college students who didn’t wanna pay for textbooks everywhere
Got ya! Those are actually all true. And I’m totally not bitter about any of them at all. Totally.
Okay, look. Does Colleen Hoover kinda write like a 13 year old on Wattpad? Yeah, definitely. Does she annoyingly pollute all the reading spaces on the internet and is fully responsible for populating the TikTok tables in Barnes & Noble stores? Sure. But honestly, whatever. I can ignore that.
The situation, however, has grown far more dire. It’s one thing to be annoying and disgusting from afar, but to invade my own house? To contaminate the already questionable brain of my beloved sister who doesn’t even like reading that much? No, I can’t allow it. I shan’t. What am I supposed to do if she brings home some guy who treats her like shit but she thinks it’s the most romantic thing in the world because her brain is filled with CoHo propaganda? Fight him? I’m small and weak, I’m not built for fighting! He would pulverize me! Especially because he’s probably already fond of physical violence, if he fits the CoHo model.
All this to say, this woman needs to be stopped. Colleen, I’m issuing a cease and desist. If I have to hear my sister say she bought another one of your books or see another Twitter thread filled with examples of your batshit writing, I’m literally gonna lose it. I don’t care about your son’s big balls, okay?! I will literally pay you real life money to stop writing and go fuck off to a random town with no wifi. Maybe there you can live out your sexual cow shit fantasies. I don’t know, just please leave me, my sister, and the rest of the world alone.
