Eat Your Microplastics Kids! You Can’t Grow Big and Strong if You Don’t Eat Your Microplastics!! Her
By: The Shrimp that Fried that Rice
Many of us would often joke that we’re pizza, pussy, or nothing in response to the age old saying “you are what you eat.” But have you ever considered that you might actually be plastic? Despite many of you having the personality traits of a one-time-use plastic water bottle, you’re also secretly consuming microplastics in most of the foods you eat. Now, some of you may be thinking: “what the fuck?! Microplastics are only a liberal lie meant to trick Facebook Moms into caring about pollution!” This is, unfortunately, not the case.
Microplastics fall into two categories: ones specifically created and used as a product (primary microplastics) and ones that are created from the degradation of larger plastic items (secondary microplastics). Both kinds of plastics can be found scattered throughout forests, fields, the mountains, and the ocean. These plastics are ingested by animals, some that we eat, or absorbed by the environment, which affects the produce farmers grow. If you have even half the understanding that a sixth grader does of the food chain; you’d realize that this shit is fucked.
Now many of you may be panicking: “I have a perfect skin care routine and a meticulously calculated diet and I can’t have plastics fucking that up!!” Worry not, I have some ways that you may be able to protect yourselves from microplastics:
Stop chewing on your fucking hoodie strings.
You’re not a toddler and many primary microplastics can be found in the clothes we wear. I know for a goddamn fact that most of you understand that the most efficient way to get fucked up by something is to ingest it and don’t act like you don’t.
Stop wearing clothes.
Studies have shown that micro- and nanoplastics (what?!?!?) can be absorbed through the skin. As often as you can, stop wearing clothes to protect yourself. On the plus side, maybe you’ll get closer to your roommate.
Eat less Bento.
You’re wasting your meal swipes anyways if you go to Bento. Just wait for the leftovers to go to Benny’s like the rest of us. Also, if fish are stupid enough to try and eat a metal hook, you know that they would D E V O U R some delish plastics.
Stop fucking littering.
Just imagine that for every piece of litter you create, you’ll just end up eating it, you daft fool. It is estimated that humans eat approximately two recycling bins of plastic in their lifetime. Throw your shit out or eat it then and there fucker.
Change your capitalistic tendencies.
Did you know that you can still satiate your self-gratifying tendencies and make a difference? Companies like Dorsal commit portions of their profit to cleaning up oceanic plastic waste and make pretty good-looking products. Instead of being a cunt in Vineyard Vines products (fuck the entire state of Massachussetts), you can be the coolest motherfucker around with products that are meant to make a difference (this is not a paid promotion, I just like their stuff).
Source: like the first few search results of microplastics in Google. Fuck around and figure it out for yourself.
