#ProtectTheNest
By: SusQAnon
On October 29th, 2023, the official Susquehanna University instagram page made a post to commemorate the 7th birthday of their beloved mascot, Benny the Riverhawk. The previously mentioned post only managed to garner a measly 488 likes, less than a quarter of the total students at SU, less than the number of students in any given graduating class on campus, a post that Randy Robertson himself did not like or comment on, and utterly abysmal in comparison to how many fucking ginkgo berries I step on daily. But I digress. The issue at hand is not that of how weak Susky’s Insta game is (literally so many of the majors on campus give students social media skills, ask them for ideas please), but rather a darker, more insidious issue revolving around the riverhawk: the infamous Thicc Benny sticker.
Many of you most likely find this sticker harmless or hilarious, proudly displaying it on your laptops or water bottles without ever considering that you may be sexualizing an underage riverhawk. That’s right you sick fucks. I’m onto you. I’ve figured out your shitty little game. I don’t care if Benny is “depicted as 18+ in the sticker” (not that it states that anywhere), since the sticker was made when Benny was only 5 years old! How could you look at such a nice, young riverhawk with such a promising career as a symbol of a university ahead of them and think to give them an ass that rivals the density of a neutron star? Monsters!
"Benny is of age in riverhawk years,'' some of you may say to defend your horrid obsession with the absolute dump truck that Benny is forced to endow. While riverhawks do typically live between 7-10 years in the wild, Benny is clearly built different. The average riverhawk weighs about 3lbs while the average American adult weighs 180lbs. Invoking the power of girl math, Benny is approximately 60 times larger than the average riverhawk and thus lives 60 times longer, making Benny’s life expectancy 420-600 years and the earliest age at which Benny should be considered an adult is 102 years old. With Benny’s age clearly being nowhere near the age of 102, Benny is not “of age” and should not be sexualized.
The worst part is that Benny is not the only victim. Many young riverhawks are sexually exploited each day. Whether it be by people pretending to be a fellow nestling, someone talking to them while they are 101 years old just waiting for them to turn 102, or any other horrid situation that seems so commonplace on the news. The worst part is the complacency in society. There have been many instances of newly adulterated riverhawks who create OnlyBirds accounts and instantly earn thousands, upon millions of dollars. They were literally just a child yesterday . What the fuck people. The only thing I can say is be better and stop fetishizing underage riverhawks.
If you know a riverhawk who is being taken advantage of, you can contact the VIP Center (vip@susqu.edu) or visit them in the basement of the library.
