Fashion Choices That Should Die

By: someone who is always right

As someone who observes everything and prides herself on judging people because it’s fun, I think it’s about time we talk about particular pieces of “fashion” that should hop into the 6-foot hole I dug for them!

1. Anything Galaxy: Literally why is this a thing, it’s like the same galaxy image was taken from google and thrown onto every low quality fabric on this planet to sell on red bubble and burn my retinas whenever I see someone wearing it in public. If you still own a piece of galaxy clothing in 2023 you should be arrested on sight. I'm ordering raids on houses for this shit. ELECTRIC CHAIR.

1. Low Rise Jeans: Low rise is fatphobic and if you disagree you are fatphobic. End of story.

1. Crocs: I fear that my opinion on crocs is the most controversial of all on this list. I, for one, despise them. I am in your walls. They are clogs with holes in them. My feet pool with sweat regardless of the weather. I will solely use them to wear around the house or as a last minute weapon against the spider NOT paying rent in my room. Other than that, stop investing in these useless shoes and buy some damn sneakers.

1. Extremely Distressed Jeans: Ripped jeans that are so ripped it’s basically constructed shreds (especially ripped skinny jeans) are so ugly. You are one squat away from letting everything show. I appreciate your bravery, as you are mostly certainly stronger than any soldier, but lay those poor things to rest. They’ve served their time.

1. Hunters’s Camo: What are you achieving when you wear a sweatshirt with realistic twigs and leaves in ugly shades of brown and green? This isn’t the woods where you can hide, I can see you (unfortunately). You might as well wear a target on your back. I’m ready for my first confirmed kill.

1. People who wear head-to-toe school merch: Sometimes I like to wear merch from school in some of my outfits, but when I am walking around campus and seeing multiple people in a monochromatic maroon fit, a part of me dies inside. You might as well just dress up as Benny for god's sake. Take your money and go to Target and buy a normal shirt. BE NORMAL.

1. Levitating Baseball Hats: When I say levitating, I mean when they are worn as if you want them floating above your head rather than worn like a normal fucking person. Literally who started that? I’ve only ever seen this done by straight cis men, which speaks for itself. And to these men, I can promise you, no one thinks it is hot. So do yourself a favor.

1. Mullets: Men’s mullets specifically. Everyone else, keep it up! You look so slay. Men, sleep with one eye open or else you won’t notice me shaving your head in the middle of the night.

1. Beard & No Mustache: Go big or go home. All or nothing. Pah-LEASE, it is so painful to look at the pubes you keep on your face. Or, scrap the beard entirely and just have the mustache, as long as it can be described as a 70’s porn stache. If your mustache doesn’t look like Aaron Taylor Johnson’s in Bullet Train then I DON’T WANT IT!

I would say take these “opinions” with a grain of salt to be nice, but I am not a nice person. When I say I want these things to die, I want them to die. And these are not opinions. They are facts. If you participate in any of these I see you. I am always watching. And I am shaking my head in disappointment, while simultaneously trying to give myself a brain injury to forget your horrendous decision making. CTE for the win.