Fashion Trends We Should Revive
By: XxBurt_Reynolds_Love_69xX
The errors of the past are comforting in that they are of the past, and I think there’s virtue in that. Any attempt to dredge our follies should be met with robust skepticism and a healthy dose of public shaming. We eliminate culture for a reason. However, there is also true wealth to be found in reviving ideas that previously failed or were unpopular; the intellectuals of the world do not always think within their era, nor are we always receptive to genuinely meritful ideas.
Therefore, as Squirrel-Heralds of fashion, I think a candid re-evaluation of our past fashion mistakes will help us understand not only the fault of our reason at the time but also the wisdom in appreciating culture long past.
So here are some trends I think we should bring back. The world is ending. Who the fuck cares?
The Mullet (but only on women and my fellow genderqueer besties NO LAX BROS!!!!! And ideally you have to wear a porn–stache). Come on. Don’t lie to yourself. We all want this bad boy to come back. What else says “girlboss, slay!” like combining work and play in the same hairstyle?
Corduroy Bell Bottom Pants/Slutty Men’s 70s clothes. Show me one person who hasn’t fantasized about Burt Reynolds ripping apart their durable-yet-sensible corduroy pants and de-flowering their daisy-embroided knit shirt with his pearly whites, and I’ll show you a dirty fucking liar. 69/10
Aloha Shirts. As an aspiring DILF, it is a discrimination that I cannot walk into any fancy clothing store and buy a Hawaiian shirt. This is disgusting, and I will not stand for it. Do better, society.
Low Rise Jeans. We all need a little humility in our life. You rat bastards hate these, and I think that’s a good enough reason to bring them back. Humble yourselves.
Camouflage Cargo Pants. Haha, just kidding…unless…?
Propellor Hats. SPINNY SPINNY SPINNY SPINNY SPINNY. Hopefully I can super glue these to the heads of billionaires, spin the propeller really fast, and send those fucking failures of a human being into outer space.
Whatever The Fuck King George III was on about. My femboy dream. How will the good people of SU know I’m a funky little dude with unimaginable drip and wealth if I can’t turn up in a white fur coat, pretty little heels, and lots of bows and lace and ribbons?
Layered Polo Shirts with Popped Collars. In central Pennsylvania, where everything is whiter than the driven snow, I have a hard time distinguishing the weird–weird white people from just the normal–weird white people. I think we should bring this back only because the SU Republicans, frat bros, and business school “aLpHA mALes” would wear them, and that would make it much easier to systematically bully them.
Butt Writing on Sweatpants. I genuinely think this should come back (Same with leg warmers). I have a pair that say “Steely Dan” across my supple ass, and damn I get a lot of good-good when I wear them. Sorry, it’s not MY fault I have great taste.
Toe Shoes. The sense of community is joyous. For those of you outside the know—in these dark times, when you meet a fellow toe shoe wearer, you interlock the toes, gently kiss each other on the lips, and ritually clean the bottoms of the other’s shoes with your tongue. Nothing says “brotherhood” like slobbering on rubber-encased feet. Plus you get to wear toe socks, and that’s just a good time for everybody involved.
