Gag Order

THE COURT: Did any of you, directly or indirectly, encounter anything about this case or the parties involved that could create any potential bias or prejudice towards either the prosecution or the defense? If there is anything, please speak up now.

JURY MEMBER MS. DORTHY: I did, your honor. I witnessed Mrs. Davis and Mrs. Richards have an interaction during recess.

THE COURT: What was occurring during this interaction?

MS. DORTHY: Well I saw Mrs. Davis and Mrs. Richards embrace, then-

DEFENSE ATTORNEY MRS. DAVIS: Your honor, what does my sexuality have to do with this case? I mean come on! The queer lawyer population in this town is the majority; I can’t believe I am being discriminated against!

MS. DORTHY: I have nothing against homosexuals.

MRS. DAVIS: I’m bi.

BAILIFF: Fab.

MS. DORTHY: Mrs. Davis, you caressed Mrs. Richards’ cheek and told her, “The jury will never know, schnookums.”

MRS. DAVIS: Girl, I would never be that close to her face after her second matcha iced latte. Her breath starts to smell like a barn when she’s half way through her first.

THE COURT: Mrs. Davis, explain what you meant by, “The jury will never know.”

MRS. DAVIS: There is nothing to explain. Ms. Dorthy’s biases to the queer and lawfully skilled makes her incapable of telling the truth.

MS. DORTHY: I am obviously a butch woman!

MRS. DAVIS: We can all see the work you just got done, you mean botched.

THE COURT: Order! Mrs. Davis if you are not capable of being professional, the court will hold you in contempt! Mrs. Richards, can you tell me anything about your interaction with Mrs. Davis?

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY MRS. RICHARDS: Mrs. Davis and I have a homosexual relationship that does not bleed into our professional lives. What’s the crime in that?

MS. DORTHY: Mrs. Richards responded to Mrs. Davis by saying, “That little jerk will rot in jail and our involvement will go unknown.”

MRS. RICHARD: Biittcchh, this is hearsay.

THE COURT: Mrs. Richards! The court will hold you in contempt!

DEFENDANT MR. BAILEY: Um yeah, Mrs. Richards and Mrs. Davis only told me to plead guilty because they promised me a swirly pop and the Lady Gaga MAYHEM vinyl in bubble gum pink.

THE COURT: Wait…Mrs. Richards and Mrs. Davis is Mr. Bailey inferring that you bribed him so nobody became aware that it was you two conspiring-

MS. DORTHY: Yass clock it.

THE COURT: …to perform fourteen counts of armed robbery at not only the town banks, but the mail services, nail salon, the deli, my mother’s home, my mother’s dog’s home-

MRS. RICHARDS: We stole from the deli so we could get the meat to distract the dog to rob the doghouse. 

THE COURT: …And on top of it all you thought you could represent an innocent thirteen year old kid and evidently get him convicted for your own crimes that he has nothing to do with.

MR. BAILEY: No, I drove them to their destinations without a license, forty miles per hour over the speed limit, and also while under the influence.

THE COURT: Mrs. Richards and Mrs. Davis, you gave this child substances?!

MRS. DAVIS: No, the dog did.

THE COURT: …I think we are going to take a prolonged recess. We will regroup uhh when I find a new job. This ho is adjourned.