5 CM: A CRIME OR NOTHING?

There is calamity at the courts this week as neighbors MacKensaileighlee Stephens and disgraced Vatican member Cardinal Robin feud over a fence. As every resident of Acorn Valley knows, it is much easier to maintain a hexagonal yard when there are guidelines. Most houses in this town have backyard fences. But one pedantic citizen has noticed a discrepancy: her property agreement says that she is allotted 5 centimeters more space on the border she shares with neighbor Cardinal Robin. 

Now, Mr. Robin could have simply shifted his fence, and the whole debacle could have been avoided. But we know our residents–who could pass up on an opportunity for a legal battle?

The HOA president has hired one of our town’s most proficient lawyers, Ms. Helen Dooley. Cardinal Robin at first attempted to represent himself, but was informed that over twenty of our towns legal representatives were frothing at the mouth to work his case. These lawyers are a part of a group that Acorn Valley residents familiarly refer to as ‘The MacKensaileighlee Hate Coalition’. Now Cardinal Robin is working with Ms. Dooley’s sworn legal rival, Miss. Kelsey Saunders, who once said that it was her life’s mission to ruin MacKensaileighlee. 

Mrs. Stephens’s counsel is arguing that Mr. Robin must abide by the property lines drawn up, and relinquish his 5 cm of backyard to her. Mr. Robin’s counsel argues that not only does Mrs. Stephens not understand how inconsequential 5 cm really is, but also that they believe she has motive and means to edit the property agreement after it was drawn up. 

Now, the inconsequential or consequential-ness of 5 cm can be debated. One could say that 5 cm is incredibly consequential. One could be Mrs. Stephens’ husband. But this writer believes his personal opinion will not be entertained by the judge.

Mr. Robin’s counsel claims that Mrs. Stephens will not be satisfied until she has fully pushed Mr. Robin off of his property. She has a hatred for his conduct and his menagerie of pet birds, and by extension, our wonderful postal system. They accuse her of being tyrannical and full of hate. Could this be because of how important 5 cm is in her life? Mr. Stephens couldn’t comment. 

This could turn the case from petty squabble to criminal trial. Mr. Robin’s counsel demands that Mrs. Stephens not only drop the suit against Mr. Robin, but that she be investigated for property fraud and be tried for breaking her contract with the city and her neighbors. They claim they will have contractors out to measure both the plaintiff and defense’s yards later this week. 

Stay tuned as this story unfolds.