Get Flooded Libs

Hello, America! It’s me: your saving grace from certain annihilation. The Squirrel was the only magazine to give me a platform, but you need to know the truth! The world is gonna be water. That’s right, the WHOLE WORLD. And if you live in Boston, good fucking luck. You’ll need it.

See, I used to be a sheep living in Boston, like you. I wore my MAGA hat proudly, protested outside abortion clinics, and told everyone being gay was a choice. All of that is still true, but more importantly: I thought that climate change was a hoax, and even if it was real, NOT MY PROBLEM. But my whole life changed when I had a dream one night, after playing Call of Duty until I got banned for calling children slurs (about 15 minutes of solid gaming). I saw Jesus Christ himself. He handed me a glowing red pill and said, “Ronald, wake up. The rapture is coming. God will flood the earth. Starting with Boston.” Then he turned into pixels and got sucked into a giant vacuum. I woke up, and suddenly my body was in tune with the moon and sea, like a menstruating woman. Only cooler and more alpha. But most importantly, I felt the tides rising. 

Jesus sent me, Ronald Dump, a VISION that is absolutely, 100000%, TRUE. I know it’s true because my Facebook group affirmed my vision, and we’re all preparing for the flood together.

If the world goes underwater, SO DO WE. I didn’t need to make people aware, but I want to make sure my insanely hot ex-girlfriend survives, because I’ll be her only option when the whole world DIES. And she loves this magazine, even though I told her reading is for sheeple.

So here’s what you need in order to survive THE FLOOD. 

1. Get a gun. It won’t help against water, but when the sharks are flying through the air like in Sharknado, you’ll be able to kill them for sustenance. Sharks are full of protein and have cool teeth you can use for weapons or necklaces to sell at Urban Outfitters, so you might just want to kill them anyway if you see them. Fuck nature.

2. Get in your bunker. I’ve been fortifying my bunker since the first plane hit the towers back in ‘01. I’ve got canned food, toilet paper, all that shit you guys were trying to get during COVID but couldn’t find. Guess what? I was the one who took it from the stores first. Finders keepers, losers weepers!

3. Evolve to have gills. I’ve been in the process of learning to breathe underwater. I want to use that nasty worm ball Harry Potter used in the fourth movie, but the government keeps magic so well-hidden from us I can’t find the recipe. So I've been experimenting to find the recipe, and I’ll update the Squirrel when I’ve found it. I’m on Recipe #309, which has earthworms, ginkgo berries, and Coke Zero. Wish me luck.

4. Convert to Christianity. Because God is causing this flood, there’s no way it’s not gonna happen. This shit’s about to be like Noah’s arc, and only the true holy warriors survive. If you haven’t already, CONVERT. I know I’ll be chosen.

And that’s all we can really do! If you live in Boston, say your prayers now. I guarantee you libs will be underwater TOMORROW.