Give Me My CD Player Back

Why the fuck did you stop putting CD players in cars? Why do we feel the need to have iPad screens everywhere? Not only is this thing taking up the entire center dash, but it is so bright that I’m not sure if the light is from it or the asshole with the LED high beams coming at me. I couldn’t care less if ‘consumer demand’ declined, you are ruining my vibes and I hate you.

Streaming services are convenient, yes, but I don’t want to listen to ads for half of my drive. I don’t care if you wanna see me in a KIA, and I am not going to eat fresh at Subway, get the hell out of my car. I’m not even safe with subscriptions, because why does CarPlay just suck? It cannot be that hard to connect, my phone is right next to you, you dumb robot machine.

Also, we can’t use our phone in the car… but a massive iPad IS FINE? Not only can I see every single greasy fingerprint (ew), but I also can’t see the fucking road! God forbid a coffee is in my hand, but yeah lemme get my grimy fingers all over this screen just to press a glove compartment button. Oh hey, a deer!

The removal of CD players has taken so much from us as a society. Dad wants you to guess the song title? Well it’s right there on the brightest light source in the entire car. That kid is growing up with no knowledge of divorced dad rock. Boring. Want to be whimsy and celebrate girlhood by blasting music with the windows down on a fine summer day? Hard to do when Liberty Mutual ads are screaming along with you. Stupid emu. Kids probably don’t even get told they’re going to get pulled over for having the car light on any more, because this stupid screen is like the sun already. Jimmy can read in the car just fine with the built in LAMP in the dash.

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I want to feel the plastic of a CD binder between my fingers. I want to live in fear as I take one out and transport it to the player, because if this thing scratches it is never playing Britney Spears again. I want to skip every single track just to get to the song I want on Circus. I don’t care about anything this much anymore. I want to be afraid when I am about to play my music. I want to feel something.

Give me my whimsy back. Give me a god damn CD player. I want out of iPad kid hell.