Men, Get Back in the Garage

I was scrolling on Tiktok the other day, and came across something absolutely terrifying— a podcast composed entirely of teenage boys talking about the male loneliness epidemic. I sighed and scrolled past, as I often do from Tiktoks nowadays, but something stuck with me. Why are these teens blaming women for what is clearly their fault? They are uninteresting, “too cool for school” (a drop of education would send them into a coma), unfunny losers. But I propose an antidote! Chat, if you want bitches, open your garage door and make some music. 

There is a clear reason why every girl born in the early 2000s loves characters like Rodrick Heffley, Axl from The Middle, and Eddie Muson. And uh, no, it’s not because they are beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly people, it’s because they spend time in the garage doing a hobby that requires passion!! One thing I know about women (and I know women) is that they love effort. Take your slimy fingers off the webcam monitor and put them onto a goddamn amp. 

And before anyone complains that “it’s too hard” or “I don’t know how to get started🥺”,  genuinely shut the fuck up. Garage band rock is meant to sound scratchy, imperfect, and grunge! And to those who say that they could never ever do a hobby like this because of the equipment or price-point of things, let me introduce you to Steve Lacy. “Dark Red”, which hit #2 on Billboard Top 100, was made ENTIRELY on the app GarageBand (no pun intended) with recordings from his iPhone. So yeah, Chad, take that budget for a new Blue Yeti mic and save it! You don’t need it to make culturally significant art, and you definitely don’t need it to pull bitches. 

What I’m trying to get at here is that in the world of “chat is this real”, be an “I’m sorry, women”. Get out the black cream eyeliner, multiple layers of shirts, and dirty converse shoes. And for the love of God, get back in the garage where you belong.