THE SQUIRREL

Why the fuck did you stop putting CD players in cars? Why do we feel the need to have iPad screens everywhere ? Not only is this thing taking up the entire center dash, but it is so bright that I’m not sure if the light is from it or the asshole with the LED high beams coming at me. I couldn’t care less if ‘consumer demand’ declined, you are ruining my vibes and I hate you. Streaming services are convenient, yes, but I don’t want to listen to ads for half of my drive. I don’

The holidays have finally arrived, a time to be calm and cozy and fail the most difficult holiday game. Whamageddon. Now, if you for some reason have never heard of this game, which would make sense because we were barely sentient in 2010, let me explain it for you. Whamageddon begins on December 1st and goes until Christmas Day. The goal? Don’t listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! the entire time. I know for a fact that I just lost so many of you, because apparently that is

Hey there, you crazy kids! Here’s my go-to playlist for a typical day at Susquehanna University! Bad Romance  by Lady Gaga: Because of the time the chicken was raw-raw-rah-ah-ah. A.D.H.D.  by Kendrick Lamar: For listening to with your football boyfriend, who probably can’t read full song titles. Water Fountain  by Alec Benjamin: For when you watch your GBP crush hook up with your Smith roommate at an Alpha Sigma Oedipus open house. Hot N’ Cold  by Katy Perry: The dorm buildin

I miss when movie musicals were good. This isn’t me trying to shit on the ones we have today, even though some of them are entirely questionable cough cough Cats . But to me these movies don’t have the same sense of magic that older ones do, and I am unashamed to admit that my favorite era of musicals is the Golden Age. These films are ones that I constantly come back to for some comfort and feel very nostalgic about every time I watch them. Sure they may run rampant with mi

Kidz Bop did a cover of “Tears” by Sabrina Carpenter and I cannot hold my tongue any longer. Get off my fucking lawn.  Not all music is for children, and not all music needs to be appropriate for every age level. Stop it. And also, just because your kid listens to an artist does not mean they should, or that the artist has to make their music child friendly. Artists do not control their listeners. You are the parent and you are supposed to be monitoring what content your kid

I’m tired of all these wars between different music streaming services. Oh, Spotify has ads, Apple Music isn’t free, Soundcloud is full of freaks, what even is iTunes, blah blah blah, I DON’T CARE! Fuck streaming, bring down the establishment. It’s time to go back to our roots– let’s lift up small, independent artists and local businesses– BRING BACK ROAMING BARDS! Release band kids to the streets! Do your street corners feel empty, blank, silent??? A simple fix: Capture a f

Interviewer: Our Squirrel reporters scored an interview with THE Lin-Manuel Miranda by pretending to be Disney and lying about a job opportunity. Let’s get right into it. You are known for being an award-winning American actor, producer, director, composer, lyricist, playwright, rapper, and librettist, as well as your roles in Hamilton  and In The Heights , also your composed music featured in films like Moana , Encanto , and more. Please tell us, what is your go to coffee o

I was scrolling on Tiktok the other day, and came across something absolutely terrifying— a podcast composed entirely of teenage boys talking about the male loneliness epidemic. I sighed and scrolled past, as I often do from Tiktoks nowadays, but something stuck with me. Why are these teens blaming women for what is clearly  their fault? They are uninteresting, “too cool for school” (a drop of education would send them into a coma), unfunny losers. But I propose an antidote!

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.] Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession.  To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if

Hi my name is [MyChemicalPiercetheBlackVeilSirens] and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) The holy emo trinity. The one thing all angsty middle schoolers could agree on to worship and people are yet again making this a new trend. W