I Could Totally Win Wipeout
By: My Inner Child
Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to propose the #1 Reality TV show of all time: Wipeout (not the 2021 reboot, respectfully Mr. Cena and Ms. Byer). In case you had lame parents or are just fucking stupid, Wipeout is a show in which a group of 24 people make a mockery of themselves over three rounds on an obstacle course meant to make them “wipe out.” Go look up a Wipeout compilation on YouTube. I promise you will not be disappointed.
Anyway, here are the top 8 wipeout obstacles of all time (as decided by a man-child):
Big Balls - There’s a reason these big, red, spherical bastards are the mascot of the series. Watching these, 6-year old me thought that he could do these first try. 20-year old me would give me two attempts because I’ve accepted the fact that not everything will be done perfectly the first time. The falls that this obstacle produced are both legendary and hilarious. I will always love Big Balls.
Dirty Balls - While technically it is the same thing as Big Balls, these balls are covered in mud and instead of falling into water, they fall into mud. They are still big, still bouncy, but the iconic Wipeout red is hidden by mud which takes it down from a shared first.
American Sucker Punch - A variant of the iconic Wipeout wall. Players are required to boulder across a wall in which 22 different boxing gloves may be pistoned out into a contestant’s face, teeth, or gut. The American version saw them get smeared with red, white, and/or blue face paint on hit which I simply think is beautiful.
Catapult - Literally what it sounds like. Someone gets launched into a body of water on live television and then has to swim to their next obstacle. Some people were graceful in their flight. Others not so much. Catapult fucks.
Catastrophic Canon - Another “send that motherfucker through the air like this is medieval warfare” type obstacle. Think big water slide with the intent of a 40ft launch. It was wet. It was wild. And it looked so goddamn fun. Am I a flying squirrel?
Trampoline Sweepers - Four trampolines lined up in a row with rotating beams to dodge while you try to make it to the other side? Sign me up. While this may seem boring compared to other more elaborate obstacles, I think this one has its good deal of tomfoolery while giving contestants a seemingly fair test of skill to get past without being sent to the waters below.
King of the Mountain - A 12 person free-for-all in which contestants try to climb a ten-foot-tall, rotating piece of equipment and claim one of the six spots at the top. Little kid me experienced true heartbreak watching some of my favorite people of the week not make it to their rightful spot in time :(
The Motivator - While technically not its own obstacle, The Motivator was designed to push any hesitant contestant towards their next challenge so the program would fit its airing slot. No one who has ever met The Motivator has ever not made it into a body of water/mud/paint/gatorade/soup(?).
Wipeout was a true testament to the tenacity of the human spirit, the camaraderie that a shared challenge creates, and a safe place for children whose parents were going through divorces. On that note, I will now be binge-watching the 2021 reboot and avoiding phone calls from home. I miss you John Henderson and Anderson.
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