Keep up with SU Clubs

By: Kenzie Piacenti

As the academic year comes to a close, one question continues to permeate the atmosphere: What is going on with campus activities?

On Monday the 2nd of May at approximately 3:20pm, five members of the GeoClub were arrested for the unlawful production and distribution of “jade, pelvic floor strengthening eggs”. It is currently unclear if they will make bail, however a GeoClub member assured the Squirrel that they will be out of jail soon: “we didn’t practice all that digging for nothing”, the member said, a slightly threatening tone in their voice. Several Animal Club members were similarly arrested the same day for the unlawful vending of human meat, due to an archaic Pennsylvanian law that outlaws cannibalism.

The Anime Club recently came to talk to the Squirrel after claims on YikYak that they watch hentai during class times, distracting and upsetting students. The Anime club representative stated “We do not promote the act of masturbating in classes, nor do we have any control over the sexual needs of our members”. The Anime Club representative also told the Squirrel that the Swing Dancing Club is actually a front for a blood cult, but in attempting to investigate this claim, our Squirrel representative never returned. However, the liaison we sent to investigate the Frisbee team did return with the new information that they are “pussy ass bitches” who “do not like us”. We were also told that their President is quitting today, via this fucking article bitch, fuck your ratio.

In Greek Life news, the Susquehanna University chapter of TKE was officially endorsed by Snickers for the “only proper use of our product that we have ever seen”, kicking off the start of Greek week. In response to this news, KD will be selling “extra veiny Snickers” as a fundraiser for their philanthropy, “Boob jobs for underprivileged girls”. Phi Mu Alpha’s “femboy milk” will now be available in the Evert Dining Room.

The Track Team is in chaos today. According to Zack Shiffman who witnessed the start of the disruption “the track team got really mad when they found out it was a circle”. The Equestrian Team is rebranding themselves as the “Klip Klop Klan”, while the Baseball Team is doubling their practice time by hitting their girlfriends with bats.

After breaking into the Science building last Thursday, the ROTC kids managed to build a short-range ballistic missile, which they promptly used to “do racist things”, earning them a Medal of Honor. Meanwhile, numerous reports from the club “Roommates of SU Republicans” have suggested a recent uptick in the amount of cum found in pillows owned by the SU Republican members, signaling the frustration being built by involuntarily “waiting for marriage”. SU Democrats responded to this: “there is no shame to be had in cumming in pillows” says a former SU Democrats President, “It should be a part of every American’s comprehensive sex education, and if anything, encouraged”.

Finally, the SU Dueling Club lost three members last week.

An Ode to Bernard (And Their Dad: Devonne Tourre)

Thou leaps ahead, the strongest hunter

Until the eyes widen, a clap of thunder

Thy claws grip, sharp and stiff

Into the desk, as tall as a cliff

Thou nearly despairs, the strength is almost lost

But thou is in luck, for thine fur shine as frost

In the moonlight, Devonne notices the glint

And while Bernard grasps on, Devonne begins to sprint

Devonne rescues Bernard, for the fifth time that day

As the curious kitten often undertakes the berth of disarray

Bernard may be the strongest, the cutest, the sharpest, the best

But half a dozen times a day, Bernard’s claim is put to the test

Despite the trouble, Devonne is prepared

Wielding the power of the thiccest of Bennys, he is not scared.