Gossip Squirrel
Hey Upper-East Suskies,
You already heard that google searches on the Wi-Fi are monitored by the school. I’ve been in the walls of the recent Squirrel meetings and heard that you all were wondering exactly what people are searching. Well, look no further. I took the liberties of scavenging through and pulling some of the juicer queries. I got you, Malaika <3
It seems SGA is looking to climb the social ladder a little bit. They recently searched how to get people to respect you– yikes! Wouldn’t get your hopes up.
SU paranormal is searching for answers again. They recently asked how to tell if you have a cryptid kink! Now everyone, who didn’t already have functioning eyes and ears, knows you’re a monsterfucker— Jinkies!
Men’s Rugby was recently caught searching where England is. What an amazing place to study abroad! Hopefully they’ll be able to find it before they graduate in 6 years or so.
Extra, extra, the quill is still desperately clinging for some sort of relevancy. They recently were caught mass searching their own website in a shameless ploy to up their engagement. News flash! No one reads your stupid paper.
Cryptohawks have recently been searching to see whether or not bribery is legal. It seems they’ve been attempting to coerce students into joining their club with an offer of lynnbuck$! Fortunately (or unfortunately if you want them to face legal action), it won’t actually count as bribery since it has no real value!
ASO got a virus on their house computer which led them to a website with “hot singles” in the Selinsgrove area— best of luck finding love, boys!
Fresh off their last search of “how football works”, the SU stadium band recently googled the best songs to serenade someone with. I can answer that one! No one wants to be serenaded by a marching band— or a men's choir, for that matter! People paid money for that??
SPOTTED: The sheep on campus, having obtained a computer, searched for Karl Marx! That’s right, daddy communist himself— maybe they were looking for hair inspo…
Ultimate Frisbee was searching for trophies to purchase online to pretend they’re as good at their sport as Rugby— just like in that ping pong episode of Victorious. I’ve seen you guys practice on the lawn... you’re supposed to catch the disk. Hope this helps!
SU Republicans were recently found making deep fakes of former president Ronald Regan telling them how much he loves them (them plural, not gender neutral, you sensitive fucks). It’d be wholesome, if it wasn’t so creepy. Please, try and find real human connection <3
That’s all for now, you know you love me.
Xo, xo,
Gossip Squirrel
