Movie Reviews
By: Malaika Olaoye
The world is separated by two groups: the haves and the have nots. Some of us are born with the gift; others are dummies that have no taste of their own and need those born with the gift to decide what movies are good for them. Don’t be frightened sheep. I, the shepherd, will not lead you astray. Here are some reviews of contemporary and old movies that will lead you in the right direction:
Black Panther 2018
two out of five squirrels
The plot was okay, I guess. The identity of Killmonger was terribly predictable. Honestly, the only reason why I gave it two squirrels instead of three is because I’m tired of white people coming up to me saying, “Wakanda Forever!” Like wow, dude, you watched a movie where the majority of the main cast were black people; you’re so progressive!
Reefer Madness 1936
four out of five squirrels
A movie that explores and warns us about the danger of reefers. You know … the devil’s lettuce, dope, weed, Mary Jane … marijuana! good stuff. The movie—not marijuana! Apparently, it—marijuana! —makes you all aggressive and stuff.
Heathers 1989
one out of five squirrels
A movie about mentally unwell teens, so shocking! Don’t come at me with that “Heathers walked, so Mean Girls could run” bullshit. The only good thing about it is a young Winona Ryder reminding me of how gay I am.
West Side Story the better one
one out of five squirrels
How many times are we going to do this Romeo and Juliet reboot? I’d rather watch Gnomeo and Juliet; at least it is not an overdone imitation of Shakespeare.
The Shawshank Redemption 1994
two out of five squirrels
Glorifies violence and the prison industrial complex, kinda gross. The music video for the song Industry Baby by Lil Nas X did such a better job showing the realities and hardships of prison in the United States. Also, Narration!
Cats 2019
five out of five squirrels
A masterpiece! Black Panther wishes it had half as much money for CGI as Cats must have had to make it look so good. (Taylor, you looked beautiful as a weird cat-human hybrid. What a queen!) Also, the play Cats has absolutely no plot, making it the purrfect play to adapt to a movie for modern audiences. We all know movies with no plot do well! When’s the sequel coming out?! And that James Coreden guy was great. They need to bring this man back!
